


I did something bad

by LittleRed (Beautifulmoiety)



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Red Robin (Comics)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-30
Updated: 2018-01-27
Packaged: 2019-02-08 14:32:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 23,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12866526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beautifulmoiety/pseuds/LittleRed
Summary: Taylor Swift's Reputation makes me want to do things.Discontinued, rewrite is Reputation.





	1. ... Ready for it?

In middle on the night in my dreams, a boy not much older than myself flying through the air grappling from rooftop to rooftop. You should see the things we do, at first it was only sweet things, playing cops and robbers but after a few years the images grew more refined. Wrestling to ground abruptly lead to things I’d only ever heard of in the context of waiting until marriage, even so I couldn’t help it. The sly boy propelling himself high into the air had caught me breath, stealing all other thoughts. By the time anyone realised something had happened the boy was gone, and his gorgeous smile only a memory in my head. 

Of course it didn’t take long, everyone new that it never did, and a new Robin was brought up in his place. Not even in my wildest dreams had I ever entertained the idea that the new Robin would be me. In my heart I know it doesn’t feel completely right, using the title Robin for myself, but I do, for him, for the boy who was gone too soon. But it still felt wrong so soon I took to calling myself Red Robin and had been for the last year and have since begun living very differently, pushing myself to do the most I can, to live a life that would be both fulfilling for me and some kind of penance for Jason. 

The thought had hit my quite suddenly when I realized exactly what Jason would be missing out on, having died all too soon. His whole life had been in front of him and in one careless act of cowardice it had all been taken from him, and so now I was going to live for Jason. Finish school, get into a nice college, work my fucking ass off, and making something of myself, never forgetting the man who came before me and what his absence now meant. Bruce had made it clear early on that I needed to be careful, had drilled the training into me like my life depended on it, I learned too late that it did. 

I got ahead of myself, too self-assured and ended up out of commission for a month because of it. Afterward he hadn’t let me go on patrols alone, it was only recently that he began to trust me, having witnessed first hand how carefully I now went about working. Though it wasn’t really the thought of hurting Bruce again that had scared me into obeying, it was more the thought that if I die it would have all been for nothing and I would never make Jason proud that way. I hadn’t told anyone about my secret crush I’d harbord for Jason and the only person who knew was my childhood friend who didn’t ever talk about it now, must have realize something had happened to him when I came into the picture. 

Either way I no longer took for granted the training I’d gone through and had even begun looking into more forms of self defense as well as other classes I could take to help with strategy or computers. This ‘job’ was all encompassing and demanding but that wouldn’t stop me. I was determined to do my best to make the boy I’d loved from afar see just how much his sacrifice had meant to me, and that I hadn’t forgotten him. 

“Tim.” Barbara’s voice was a welcome distraction from the hollow boredom that had settled over my patrol, breaking up my thoughts and bringing back the city in front of me. 

“Oracle.” I responded looking around me, and taking in my surroundings again having lost my grip on reality for a moment. 

“There’s some suspicious activity not far from your current position.” She doesn’t mention how long I’ve been standing there, but I’m sure she’s noticed. 

“I’ll get right on that thanks.” The air rushes past me, reminding me that I need to focus, the chill is welcome for that very reason, it sends a shock through my body shaking the last of the intrusive thoughts to the back of my mind. I know they’ll be back when I lay down tonight, they’re always there. I also know that when my mind slows down enough to sleep he’ll be there, like every other night, taunting me, just out of my reach, and calling out to me. 

Jason Todd. 

My feet hit the black tar of a ten story building face the street Oracle had mentioned there being trouble on, but as I look at the pavement there’s nothing out of the ordinary down there, which leads my eyes up. I watch the roofs waiting for movement and ready to compensate for whatever attack is thrown my way. An uneasy feeling prickles up the back of my neck and I feel goosebumps raise all over my body. Shuddering and using breathing techniques to calm the nerves threatening to wash over me I continue to scrutinize the area around me, until I come to the realization that I’ve left my back exposed without thinking of the possibility of a sneak attack. 

How could I be so fucking stupid?

I turn around slowly and am not even surprised to see a masked man standing behind me. He’s tall, broad shoulders, with his arms crossed in front of him, it makes him look smug and something about him so familiar. I don’t know if it’s the way his body screams danger, or the attitude he seems to exude even without seeing his face. Nodding to him in acknowledgment I’m not sure what I expect from him. Most everyone I know who wears a mask is one of the good guys, but the same familiar feeling tells me to be careful, that his man is so much more than he seems. 

When he moves there’s a edge to it, but it’s elegant, graceful even, like he’s practiced for years, and all of him, his body, the atmosphere he’s created say killer. He’s going to kill me. It’s not a question, it’s a promise, that if not today, then tomorrow, he will kill me. I almost don’t move, or hear him. 

“Hey replacement.” The way he says replacement is lethal, like that in itself should kill me, or at least debilate me, maybe he expects me to submissively accept the fate he has planned for me, sorry asshole still had a few things I need to do before I can die. He lunges for me but I’ve already moved to the ledge of the building and am falling blinding backward knowing that if anything else he’s too surprised to follow. I smrik to myself at the thought of Dick seeing me now, as I do a finessed little flip landing on my feet and immediately vacating the area. 

I’m not sure who this guy is but the stirring anxiety in my guts tells me that sticking around willingly isn’t the greatest idea and that if I really do want to live I need to make it at least to Batman’s patrol route. Even though I’m closer to the GCPD I don’t think bring this guy there would be the best idea. Honestly I get the express feeling that no matter how fast I run, or even if I try to hide he’ll find me, and so I just keep running not looking back because I know, I just know he’s there. What I hadn’t planned for and had never been trained to anticipate is the fucker jamming my coms and coming over the connection himself. 

“Hey replacement, where do you think you’re going?” There’s a implication that I don’t like in his words, like he’s mocking me, and worst is that damn word again. I hate that word, I’d heard it more than once spit from the foul mouths of anger criminals wanting to hurt me, the sad part is that it does. I didn’t want to replace Jason which I why I refused to call myself just Robin. His shoes were too big anyways, and taking that spot would have been like forgetting him, like he no longer mattered. But he does, he fucking does, at least to me, because I can’t get that goddamn smile out of my head. 

The impish smirk he wore, because he just knew how fucking cool he was, how he had people wrapped around his damn finger. Honestly it only got worse when Bruce adopted me and I found out who had been wearing the mask. All the pictures of Jason and the Tv interviews I’ve watched and rewatched haunt me in more ways than one, forming new fantasies in my head of the boy I’d spent my teenage years lusting after. It did not help the guilt and regret I felt to hear people say that I replaced him. That I made his loss matter less, that him being gone no longer felt so depressing because I was there. 

“Fuck off.” I say into the mic ripping the ear piece out and throwing it off to the side. I get the impression that my actions have made him mad as a roaring sound that could have been him shouting something at me breaks through the sound of the rush of me moving through the air. The unmarked line of Batman’s territory comes into view and relief floods through me, but is quickly yanked away as I feel arms wrap around me forcing me off course and toward the rooftop to the left of us. 

We hit the roof with a loud thud no doubt alerting the people living in the building that we’re there and I hope that if nothing else they call the police. The man is getting to his feet about a yard away from me having let go of me upon impact. My limbs move on instinct readying myself for the attack. He shakes his head at me but keeps his aggressive posture.

“You really enjoy pissing me off don’t you, replacement.” His comment is scathing, and menacing. 

“I’m not a replacement.” I seeth back at the dickbag.

“Is that what Bats told you? Cute, really, but how can you justify that? Or does he just not talk about the other kid?” He seems more upset now, like the thought genuinely concerns him and bothers him almost more than I do. 

“You have no right asking questions like that.” I don’t answer the intrusive inquiry, no one needs to know just how badly Bruce took Jason’s death. 

“Oh baby bird, I have every right, if you only knew.” He’s move into a more subtle stance that I can’t read, I don’t like that he has a leg up on me, and he knows it. The way he circles me like I’m prey tells me all I need to know. 

“You planned this.” His movements give nothing away but I know he heard me even without acknowledgement. “So I’m guessing before when you asked where I was going you knew I was going to Batman, and you also knew I wouldn’t make it, and that if I did I’m sure you have a contingency plan for that too.” He keeps circling me and I get the impression he wants me to figure this all out, he wants me to know just how hopeless it all really is, that if I fight I won’t win either way. Little does he know that those odds don’t really scare me. “That’s a lot of planning, this took time, dedication, you knew my patrol, knew Batmans, you’ve been watching us. But why? Setting all this up, knowing I would be called to see what was going on, and creating a diversion for Batman incase I got too close to him. What’s this all about?” He laughs then. 

“Replacement, what’s the fun in letting you in on the plan? It’s about the suspense of it all, leaving you hanging, waiting with bated breath, the anticipation eating you alive. All in good time little bird.” And before I can even register that he’s moving he’s hitting me, bobbing and weaving around my failed attempts to stop him. Time seems to drag on, and when it’s finally over I’m face down on the ground having only gotten the bare minimum of hits in and praying to whoever will listen that someone finds me soon, regretting having thrown my earpiece away. 

Waking up the next day I don’t even remember getting home. My mind is clouded with the eery dream I’d had, for the first time in forever it hadn’t been Jason, it was the man in the mask standing over me, filling my head with awful thoughts, reminding me of all the insecurities I had worked so hard on and breaking down what little confidence I had had in myself. Sitting up though brings all those thoughts stumbling to a halt as a pained yelp followed by a gasp fall from me as I hit the bed again. Never in my life has my body hurt so completely from a single action. Worried voice rush into the room and recognition as well as warmth spreads through my chest at the people surrounding my bed now. 

“Master Timothy, please don’t move, you have a few broken ribs as well-” 

“Fuck.” The word falls from my lips before I can think about who I’m talking to but even then I don’t particularly care. 

“Tim how did this happen?” Dick speaks up from next to me, but Bruce is talking before I can say anything. 

“I thought I made it clear you are to call for backup when entering into a fight with a group.” He looks down at me sternly with unbridaled disappoint in his eyes. 

“It wasn’t a group.” I snap, biting back at him for his attitude. He seems surprised. 

“Tim, lying isn’t-” I cut Dick off. 

“I’m not lying, it was one guy, the man was crazy, everything about him was off, it was terrifying really. He knew my patrol route, knew I would be called to where he wanted me, and then when I got there he snuck up on me but I got away,” Bruce looks like he's about to say something but I continue. “I was trying to get to your route when he hacked my coms and-” Dick cuts me off. 

“He what!” He yells but I continue. 

“He hacked my coms, so I got rid of the earpiece, but before I could make it to you he’d caught up to me got me on the roof and I guess you know the rest of the story.” I gesture to myself but even moving my arm hurts and I wince. 

“How did this happen?” Bruce looks pissed. 

“Have a fun with a lot of really persistent thugs tonight?” Bruce looks at me in disbelief. “Yeah, he had it all planned out, gave me sometime to put it all together but didn’t finish painting the picture for me said he wanted us to wait for the big finish.” 

____________________________________________

My reconvey takes longer than I would like and even after I’m not allowed out of the house for anything other than school which is a fucking sucks, but I make do and even have a few friends over to keep the boredom at bay. Though that doesn’t make it easier to deal with and after about three different fights involving myself and Bruce Dick finally relents and says he’ll take me out. Which leads to me spending way too much time Bludhaven but it’s better than the Wayne Manor and having Damian around every second of every day. I love the kid I do but I do not ever want to have to play with him so constantly again. 

I get my school done quicker now, and find that not being on patrols leaves me restless, Alfred doesn’t like restless Tim and if that’s anything to go by then restless Tim must be a real nuisance. But he gets shit done, all of the paper and books I need to read for school are done and now my teachers are seriously concerned because I keep asking for the never assignment but as per usual they haven’t even thought about the next six weeks plans. So now I’m working on my ACT prep because I just took my SAT and found out that given how high a score I got I can’t take it again. But even then I don’t think that the most annoying thing about restless Tim, no, restless Tim likes to play banging pop music at ungodly hours while cleaning like a damn maniac. 

Honestly it wasn’t as if I’d planned on becoming such a problem child in order to get some semblance of freedom back but it worked. After another month of overzealously cleaning and doing way too many of my school projects in a week everyone is more than tired of dealing with my hyperactivity in the absence of my usual outlet, and I am once again allowed on patrols. Even if Nightwing has to escort me at least I’m doing what I want. 

“Red.” Dick calls out to me from the rooftop in front of me, he said as long as I don’t go past the building in front or beside him he didn’t mind me doing as I wished. 

“Grey?” I call back. 

“How school going?” Oh he’s bored. 

“It’s good, got a lot done and now I just kind of sit in class with nothing to do, so it’s slower than before but that’s fine, it’s nice really to have that all sorted away.” He nod along as I talk. 

“Alfred was worried about that, but I don’t think it’s all that bad now you’re ahead of the game and have time to keep ahead right?” I hadn’t really thought about it but now that I do Dick is right, I should continue getting the stuff done using class time now. 

“You’re right. Man I feel so on top of things, it’s weird.” Dick laughs. 

“Well yeah, you kind of overloaded you schedule with classes on top of being Red Robin, I wasn’t sure you’d be able to do it all but you did and you’ve done it well, we’re all really proud of you, but you know you don’t have to do that, we’ll still love you.” I smile at him. 

“Yeah I know but I want to and it’s fun, being class president isn’t as bad as if sounds and I like my classes, even get to take more extracurricular classes now since I got the required out of the way.” Dick regards me. 

“Why do you did it? What drives you?” No one has ever asked me that before and now that Dick has I feel the embarrassment of being caught red handed in a compromising position. I’m the flush on my cheeks is well hidden in the darkness but Dick is a detective above all and can read body language, hell he helped teach me. “Tim?” He questions and I know he's noticed how I hastiate. It’s not like talking about him is taboo, we just don’t do it often.

“Jason.” I decide telling the truth makes more sense than trying to lie to Dick. 

“Tim-” His voice cuts off at the end and I continue.

“I do it because he never got to. I do it for him.” Dick looks me over and then sighs. 

“I know B makes it seem like you need to-” I shake my head at him.

“No Grey, I do it because I want to.” Now I sigh and run my hands over my face. “I used to think the world of his Grey, he was- everything.” I shrug but feel Dick watching me. “I don’t talk about it anymore and haven’t told anyone so no going and telling whoever you want to you understand.” I look at him and he nods. “Okay, then I’ll tell you.” I breath in deeply and exhale fully before speaking. “I had the biggest fucking crush on him, you don’t even know.” Dick seems shocked and I laugh. “Yeah, I’m gay by the way. Anyway, I thought Jason was- gorgeous, of course I didn’t know him then, and I guess still don’t but everything he did was like magic to me. I admired him so much and still do, so I do all this, for him because it’s what I wanted for him. I wanted him to have a happy, full life, but he didn’t get that chance so I’ll do everything I can.” Dick smiles sadly looking away from me now. He speaks and the words break me a little more. 

“He would have loved you,” He laughs and adds. “He was gay too.” Suddenly all those dreams and fantasies I’d had of us together were real in my head and not just childish wishing and then they were ripped away again with the hollowing emptiness of the truth that none of it could ever be mine. “I’ll support you.” Dick says looking at me again but I only nod. 

It isn’t until another month after my confession to Dick that we see the psycho again, this time he goes for Bruce while side tracking Dick and I with more than enough thugs. I realize it must be him too late and when I do the damage is already done, Bruce has been shot at close range and when the assholes finally retreat its not without making sure I know. There’s a IPad being held up displaying a video of the guy in the mask talking to me. 

“Replacement, good to see you’re out of hiding.” My blood runs cold as I realize this is live footage. “Wingers.” He nods toward Dick. 

“What do you want?” Dick is at least aware enough to speak. 

“Oh no, sorry, I don’t want to talk to you, but it’s nice seeing you.” It sounds so casual as if they’re old friends it makes me feel weird. A new cautiousness rises up in me at the possibility of this revelation. It wasn’t unheard of and the proof was Harvey Dent, he and Bruce had been friends and look at the man now. “Anyways, Baby Bird, how’s it been.” He obviously addressing me now. 

“It would be much better if you stopped with your theatrics.” He laughs. 

“Come now, why would I do that?” Bruce moves in the background and a grunting noise leaves his lips, likes saying something. 

“Oh so you care now huh? What if I had on of my guys over there shot the little asshole? Then you’d have matching scars.” I see a guy lift a gun in my direction but then I distinctly hear Dick’s voice calling out the Barbara. 

“Oracle, we need bac-” His sentence is cut off with a loud bang and a scream that shatters everything in Tim. He goes to turn around but is stopped by the yelling coming from the IPad. 

“Replacement!” He stops cold in his tracks but can see the blood seeping through Nightwings suit. 

“You know him right?” I speak and can tell he’s taken the guy off guard. “You speak to him like you’ve known him for years, If I don’t do something he’s going to die, and while I have no fucking idea where you are I know where he is and I can fix this. So please if you cared about him ever a little bit, let me do this.” The guy stands there for awhile and then one of his men say. 

“Hey Red Hood can I shot him now?” That seems to shale, Red Hood out of his stupur. 

“No, fuck, fine help Wingers out.” I move and is pulling off the soaked suit, while also pulling some of the fancy medical shit Lucius had prepared for emergencies like this. I insert the nasty ass looking stuff into the wound while Dick bites down hard on a bit of the suit to keep from crying out. He isn’t looking good but I leave him anyways. 

“You have my attention for whatever little play you have planned, so what do you want?” I repeat Dick question. 

“Oh now you’re all serious a minute ago you were shitting yourself.” He’s mocking me. Something about him bothers me even more now than it did before. Sure he was a mystery before but he just let me save Dick, like he didn’t actually want Dick to get hurt, which means it’s not about anyone other than myself and Bruce. Replacement, it hits me and I actually step back a few paces trying to distance myself from the people in front of me even though he isn’t there it’s too fucking much. “There’s that look again, are you constipated or something?”

“Red Robin?” Dick calls to me but I am so lost in just looking at the Red metal mask covering Jason’s face. “What’s wrong?” He whispers and my voice is coming back, but I’m just repeating his name over and over. 

“sonJasonJasonJasonJasonJason.” Dick grabs my leg and squeezes hards causing pain that brings me back completely. “Jason Todd.” My voice is steady and even and I feel Dicks hand release my leg. 

“What are you talking about?” I know the Red Hood didn’t hear me, so I shake my head. 

“Yeah, okay,” I step forward no longer shaking. “What do you want?” I ask again. 

“Preferably you dead.” I nod to that and think about who is saying that to me but harden myself to the feelings threatening to take me over. 

“No.” I say pulling off the stupid cape from my shoulders feeling like I’m choking but giving none of my internal battle away. 

“Why do you have to be so stubborn?” He asks exasperatedly. 

“Kind of have shit I still need to do.” Even if that shit no longer seems so important anymore. 

“Like what?” He asks in disbelief. 

“Proms committee has a meeting on Friday, School counsel on Monday, Debate Wednesday, a pretty important proposal meeting on Thursday. Graduation in a month, still have to write my Valedictorian speech. See I have a fucking life, and now that I know that I don't have to push myself so goddamn hard for no reason I don’t think I can let you kill me no matter how much you’d really like to. Sorry.” I feel numb, all of these stupid years of fucking worrying and trying to do everything for this douche bag makes me so mad. 

“I don’t care about that shit, you’re just going to have to get over not getting to do everything-” I laugh hard holding my stomach and doubling over. The men around me seem really disturbed by this, none more than Dick though. 

“You think I was doing all that for myself? Oh god that is hilarious, seriously.” I wipe tears from my eyes. 

“Then why are you so intent on finishing it?” Jason growls. 

“Because I made a promise to someone that I would, that I’d do it for him, blinding believing that he’d never gotten the chance to and would never get the opportunity to either. Imagine my surprise when he turns up out of nowhere.” I’m not even trying to make it seem like I don’t know it’s Jason under the mask. Dick gets it a bit belatedly. 

“What are you saying?” He speaks up loudly from behind me and I turn ever so slightly. 

“Who else would call me replacement so vehemently and presistanly? And care enough about you to not want you dead? Who would want some kind of proof of the narrative he sees in the media? That I replaced him? Who would want Batman to pay more than the person he couldn’t save?” Dick just looks are me like a deer caught in headlights and I know Jason can hear me. 

“What the fuck are you talking about?” He yells on the other side of the IPad. 

“You, and how sorry I am, because I didn’t realize it earlier. Really should have, who else would know batman would know Batman like the back of his hand, other than a Robin?” The men standing behind the IPad all look taken aback.

“A Robin?” One screams while another says: “What hell are you talking about?” Jason seems seriously pissed now. 

“So you figured it out replacement.” 

I really don’t remember much after that but I do know that I feel like absolute shit. More broken ribs and a conclusion that I’m sure nearly killed me. Waking up there are two bed new to me, but I already know exactly who’s in those beds and so when i have enough strength and determination built up I push myself out of the bed and make my way to the open cavern of the Batcave. My back to the rest of the huge empty space behind me I open up the computer, my voice shakes but is still recognized, and it’s not until hours later that Alfred finds me, looking disappointed but with unmistakable understanding. I’m almost a hundred percent sure that Alfred had always known, like he was able to see straight through me and yet had kept it to himself that he knew. Even now there was no question from him as to what I was doing, he knew, and wouldn’t stop me because it’s what I needed. 

I watch all those damn tv interviews again and again, and then I watch the interview Bruce did after Jason ‘died’ and feel the hollowness in my chest grow wider. Hours pass I know because those interviews are all long as hell and even though I knew Bruce and Dick had been moved into the cave with me I don’t look at them. No one says anything until Bruce’s interview is over. The whole of my chest aches in so many ways I’m not sure which is worse when I sit back hissing out a: “Fuck.”

“Language, Tim.” Dick’s voice is lifeless in a way I’ve never heard before and it hurts almost as much as the physical pain I’m in, but is nowhere near the emotional. I laugh humorlessly, and regret it but don’t stop, I’d rather this pain anytime over the other. 

“Yeah, Dick, you think I should work on that?” I can hear it in my voice and know he does too, that they all do, the defeat, how I’ve given up.

“Tim-” Bruce starts but I shake my head. 

“I have shit to do.” I get up ignoring they’re pleas for me to stay, but I saw the time and Alfred told me how long I’d been out, I would make it on time for the prom committee meeting. 

_________________________________________

I only regret coming here because of the people who are blatantly staring at the obvious bruises littering my face. There’s a wide brith for me in the hallway allowing me to get to the room we’ve been using for the last few months to plan the dance everyone was so looking forward to. When I walk in I feel all eyes watch me with horrified disbelief. I look over everyone in the room and then sit down. 

“What, is there something on my face?” The astonishment on their faces makes a cool laugh bubble up in me and I wince at the reminder of the broken ribs. 

“Tim what the hell happen?” One of the guys I honestly just didn’t like, but still pretended to his friend because that’s what poliet nice boys who have so many other things to worry about do, asks me, and I suddenly fucking hate being the nice boy. 

“The fuck do you mean? I think it’s pretty clear I got the shit beat out of me but I thought we were here to discuss plans for the night most of you will lose your virginity.” They all gawk at me and I shake my head. “Are we not doing that? Or are you seriously more concerned with my face?”

“Of course we’re concerned, are you okay?” A girl who has for the last two years followed behind me by two steps ‘casually’ swooning over me. I roll my eyes. 

“I’m gay.” She looks genuinely surprised but the bright fucking blush spreading over her face confirms something everyone knew. 

“I didn’t- I don’t-” She laughs looking around waving her hands in front of her trying to deny it all. 

“What happened to you?” This time the kid who speaks is actually someone I kind of enjoy being around, buys a fucking stoner but he’s funny. 

“You really wanna know?” He nods quickly leaning in close. “I fucking hate this bullshit, and now I have no reason to care what happens.” I kiss him quickly and stand up, he falls back afterward not mad but surprised. “I hate being student body president, hate it, I don’t want to talk in front of all those people. But prom, I do want to go to prom, and I want to get so drunk I might not remember it but that’s what the video will be for.” 

“Video?” Everyone says in unison. 

“Yes.” I point finger guns at them and then continue. “We’ll film the shit so when we’re old as hell and have nothing better to do than to look back on our glory years we can watch the video since we’re all going to be so smashed we won’t remember it.” 

The next of school is in all honestly a parents worst nightmare but Bruce doesn’t say anything, I know Dick told him about why I had tried so hard before because I gave Dick permission. However I did notice Bruce’s concerned looks when I came home a little too late covered in suspicious bruises that were much too small to be from fists. This didn’t stop me though and I knew I should be on patrol but I really just couldn’t care at the moment, Jason would find me one way or another and I wanted to not be a virgin when I died. I really didn’t expect the football team to have so many closeted members but I wasn’t complaining, I realized I had a thing for stronger looking men who like being rough. The rough part wasn’t completely news to me, nor the stronger, but I do wish they were rougher sometimes. Either way I was living what was left of my life to the fullest. 

Which is why I went and had a suit made for prom figuring that if nothing else it would be nice as my death suit. I was actually surprised I even made it to prom, with a week left in school and a night of awful choices ahead of seemed almost surreal now. Thanking whatever god had allowed this I got dressed and headed out like I would for any other high class social event, I am aware that this will be nothing compared to all those gala balls I’d been to up until now, but there was something so right about doing this. My favorite fantasy had been of me and Jason at prom like a fucking child but I’d loved that imagine, had it tacked to my imaginary inspiration board, I was not missing this. The was it the last thing I would do for Jason, the only thing left really now that I know he’s alive, because I know he missed the last year of high school, he missed prom, and graduation. But graduation would be mine, because I had done all this, even if for someone else and in their memory, this was mine. 

I can hear the beat to the music coming from the hotel ballroom we’d rented out for the occasion with a generous donation from Bruce Wayne, and feel my hands shake. This it, this is my goodbye to Jason, and to the Tim who was a fool, who thought puppy love would be enough. Entering the room is like stepping into a whole other universe and I smile at the way it all really did come together. This is beautiful the way I had always wanted it to be, the best part was none of it was cheap, I put one of my cards down for payments when the schools fund ran out and I didn’t regret it. If this was one of the last things I would see then I would be happy. 

The two tone lighting lent splendidly to the romance of it all, casing gorgeous shadows on glimmering faces, bouncing off dresses as they swayed. Picture perfect, like I wanted it. It was almost hard to believe something had worked out for once in my life. Wasting no time I break out into a smile putting on the charming ‘new’ personality I’d been gracing the school hallways with. It was funny how everyone seriously thought that this was some new version of me, it just goes to show how much I really didn’t let loose before. I run my head across the back of one a the football boys who had come back to me twice since our first encounter and watched the shiver run downs his body at the contact. His eyes followed me through the crowd, but I figured the girl he’d come with must have noticed he wasn’t paying attention to her when the tingle faded. 

It wasn’t long though before I felt a new pair of eyes on me but this time I couldn’t pin down exactly where they were. The feeling was exhilarating but also terrifying, because I knew that there was someone out there who could easily learn my name and also knew I was Red Robin, someone who every much wanted me dead, but it was also fun thinking of Jason watching me. Dancing easily through as few songs with different guys and a girl who told me she was a lesbian and said that my bravery was what had helped her come out. Pride had bubbled up in me as she spoke and a part of my understood that I liked being a role model for people, that I liked being Red Robin, but that I also didn’t know who I really was at the moment. 

All those thoughts came crashing down quickly though as the new song started and someone budded in pulling me close to him and being to dance. This time though recognizing him was easy, it was Jason dancing with me, and the thought made something like bile stir in my gut mixed among other feeling and surressped quickly was glee. My expression hardened and my movements became stiff as I danced along with him, silence between us and the roar the crowd around us. I almost missed him talking because of the noise and the way he whispered it. 

“How’s it going Timbers?” There’s an edge there and I decide if he’s wants to act then I’ll act. 

“Better now you’re here.” I move closer to him and feel him hesitate for a fraction of a second and then lean in. 

“Is that so?” He seems amused. 

“Yes, I have just been dying to see you.” He huffs and spins me pulling me back and pressing my back against his front. 

“You like jokes?” He asks and I reply.

“Love them.” Blandly, I can see a few people watching us with obvious unease, seems even normal people and sense the danger radiating off Jason. “Jason.” I say and he freezes.

“What.” He gritts out. 

“If you’re planning something don’t do it here. These people don’t deserve that. It’s the best night of their young lives, let them have this.” I can feel him shake his head. 

“And what makes you think I’ll listen to you?” His voice is in my ear and I don’t suppress the shudder that runs through me, Jason definitely feels it. 

“I’ll go with you willingly, and without a fight.” I pause. “But if you don’t then Barbara will call the police, she’s monitoring the footage.” I wasn’t lying about that Barbara was helping film the event, but she most likely wouldn’t see it until tomorrow. 

“Okay, then let’s go Timmy.” 

We leave quietly through the back and for a moment I wish I was back there enjoying it all like I should and not outside with Jason. I watch him pull that red helmet over his head and wait until he tells me what to do. I was not expecting him to gesture to a motorcycle as if expecting me to get on it. 

“You’re kidding.” I look at him incredulously. 

“Nope, hop on replacement.” He gets on and I follow easily. “You need to hold on.” He looks back at me and I give him an unimpressed stare. 

“You sure about that? Why not just let me fall off in the middle of a intersection?” I almost feeling like he’s glaring at me. 

“Hold on Tim.” I roll my eyes. 

“Wasn’t aware you cared so much.” I hold on and he pushes off. It’s definitely a rush to be driving so fast with nothing protecting you, like free falling before shooting another grapple out and I’m suddenly struck with a nostalgic feeling realizing that this will be the last time I feel like this, and that I get to experience it with Jason of all people. I let myself have holding tighter to Jason as we move through the familiar streets of Gotham as I silently say goodbye. When we stop it seems like it went by all too fast and I regret no having gone on patrol one last time but it’s too late for that. 

“Get off.” I let him go and do as he says, looking around and taking in the abandoned warehouses that I swear should just be knocked down, all they’re ever used for now is shady ass shit. 

“What a lovely place you have here.” He whips around to look at me and I don’t react, just walk into the large space putting my hands in the pockets of my pants. 

“Shut up.” Great comeback Jason. 

“Oh sorry, didn’t realize it was an ego thing.” The tenseness in his shoulders do well at giving me a chance to gauge his reaction to my taunts. 

“I thought you said you were coming quietly.” I shake my head. 

“No I said I would go without a fight, not quietly.” He looks mad. “But does it really matter? I’ll be dead soon so at least I can have something witty be the last thing I say.” He seems taken aback by how casually I bring up the situation. 

“You aren’t mad about it?” His voice holds a bit of disbelief, and I shrug. 

“Had a month to come to terms with it, did all I really could, made sure I won’t die unfulfilled. I’m pretty satisfied with what I got done.” It true all those years of cramming classes and staying up way too late had actually be worth it now. I got everything done and even had prom, that a bonus I never really asked for. 

“That’s so fucked up.” Jason says pulling the helmet off. “You should be mad, why aren’t you fighting it?” I look him over, he really is gorgeous. 

“Jason I did everything. Seriously everything, I’ve spent years taking classes on top of other classes I should have graduated last year, have all the credits, but there were classes at school I still wanted to take. I went to fucking prom, and all those stupid gala balls, I’m a millionaire, and a fucking ‘super hero’. Who gets to do all that in their life?” He does say anything for a moment. 

“That can be everything you wanted.” I nod. 

“Of course not, but those were just dreams, dreams that I’m sure will be carried out in my stead, Dick’s not going to just let them die.” Jason seems torn. 

“What about like, uh, I don’t know.” He seems uncomfortable. “Love?” He tries and I laugh, he seems confused.

“Love, no didn’t get that. Sex, yeah.” I pull the collar of my shirt down to reveal the hickeys still fading. 

“That’s not the same-” I cut him off. 

“Why do you care? You’re going to kill me.” He looks at me for a long time. 

“Why you do it?” I look at him confused now. 

“What?”

“Why did you work so hard?” 

“Oh,” I look his over and then, just like with Dick I say fuck it. “For you.” He steps back. “Jason Todd, Robin, the boy who didn’t come back. I looked up to you, thought you were- were I don’t know, everything about you kind of stuck with me and I could help but want to be just like you.”

“So you took my place.” His growls and I look over at him and shake my head. 

“No, that wasn’t what I wanted. Forgetting about you wasn’t something any of us could easily do.” He moves to me and pulls on the collar of my shirt his face an inch from mine. 

“Don’t talk about me like knew me.” He drawls. I put my hands up in surrender. 

“Sorry, kind of felt like I did for a while there,” He’s about to yell at me again but I cut in. “When I was younger, and only knew you as Robin. I mean.” 

“Well you didn’t” He spits and I sigh. 

“Wish I had.” He seems confused again. 

“Why’s that?” He asks, and is definitely not expecting the answer. 

“I loved you.” He steps back immediately, and I straighten my shirt out. 

“Fuck off.” He yells, and I look at him and simply say, “Okay.” 

Turning away I continue looking over the warehouse, it seem familiar, and when I remember why I laugh. “Why the fuck are you laughing?” Jason yells from a few yards away. I can see the stains of my blood on the floor.

“Clean up crew really fucking sucked.” He come over to where I’m standing and looks at the stain on the floor. 

“So?” He asks. 

“It’s mine.” I point at it and Jason looks back and forth for a moment. 

“What?” Jason looks a bit miffed. 

“That’s my blood.” He stands there looking at me. 

“What happened?” his eyes give nothing away. 

“I got too cocky and ran in without thinking. There were too many of Cobblepots guys, they really got me good, still have the scars.” I look around the ceiling and am not surprised by the gaping hole in the glass. “B came in.” I point up. “But I was so out of it that I don’t remember if, he had to tell me after.” I smile. “Dick was pissed. Took the case after and made sure they all felt really bad.” I look back at Jason. “He’ll forgive you.” The look that crosses his face is pained and strained, and when the knief slides across my throat I almost don’t register it. “I forgive you.” I mouth and know he understands.


	2. End Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings apply to chapter.

Bright light dances behind my eyelids and I can hear voice moving much too quickly around me it makes my head spin even with my eyes closed. Though as I try to open the the heaviness isn’t worth the effort so I give up and let whatever’s happening happen. As I lay there I realize that the sounds are fading and there a graying darkness creeping up on me. I let the pitch black take me down hoping that this all would be over soon and I could just die. 

Waking up in a hospital bed was not what I was expecting. White light was what I first saw and as my eyes adjusted to it the white walls were the next most noticeable feature, but Dick’s slumped figure was what had a lump forming in my throat. Fuck I’m alive, and that’s Dick. I try to speak and soon realize there’s shit in my mouth. Tubes and other funny looking things run down into me and I start panicking. I heard a blaring noise that does nothing to help the way my head feeling from the blinding light in my eyes earlier, but Dicks up and moving screaming for help. 

Nurses come in and sedate me, the darkness over taking me again. I hate this. Waking up is the same as last time but Dicks sitting patiently and there are no weird tubes. “What the fuck Dick?” I ask and feel a searing pain on my neck, I try to look down like a goddamn idiot and regret it cause the pain only increases. Memories of Jason and prom night come back and I feel my blood go cold. 

“You were kidnapped from prom.” I lay still and look at the lights, not caring about the dots that burn in my eyes. 

“Jason.” The pain is still there but I have to give Dick something. He nods. 

“We figured.” 

____________________________________________________

Months pass with no sign of Red Hood, thought a few thugs claim to be part of his gang, but they only commit small time crime. However I haven’t been out on patrol and now after six months is the first night since Jason tried to kill me that I’m being allowed out. It took serious convincing on my part for Bruce to let me out but now that I’m here I think he realizes just how much he’d missed me. Almost dying had been an eye opener and when I was well enough I said screw it and decided to take my life in a whole different direction. 

Dick and I were closer than ever and Damian couldn’t keep his eyes off me in public too anxious that I might disappear again. Funny how things like this bring you closer and make you realize just how much you love the people around you. Barbara calls my name through the comms. 

“Yeah, Babs?” I call back. 

“There’s a holdup going on in the convenience store on the corner of the street you’re on.” I smile. 

“Gotcha.” I look to Batman and nod, to which he nods back and I’m on the move, free falling toward the ground and enjoying the rush, but pulling myself out of it in time to avoid almost dying again. I work my way to the corner and feel a little jittery looking the store and trying to get a feel for how to go about this. There a tall man standing in the isle so I can’t get a good look at him, but he’s got crazy wild hair sticking in every direction. He must be the one holding up the store because the man at the counter his staring straight at him. I move toward the door a little trying to get a better look when shouting starts inside. The man behind the counter has noticed my presence and is yelling for me to hurry up. Fucking idiot. 

I burst through the door and feel my heart jump up into my throat immediately as Jason looks back at me. He’s got a domino on but it only covers the part of his face the Robin would have, and I know that face better than I’d like to sometimes. “Red Hood.” I breath and this smirk falters for a moment. 

“Red Robin.” He nods in my direction. 

“What’s going on?” I pull the earpiece out and Jason watches mistified. 

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” He tries to seem intimidating. 

“I’m not you.” He points the gun at me. “What’s the end game here?” 

“You fall in love yet?” He asks and I raise a brow at him. 

“That’s why I’m alive? Didn’t expect you to be so sentimental.” He shrugs. 

“No just wondering incase you do die this time.” I shake my head. 

“Do it.” I taunt him and he jolts back like someone punched him. 

“What would Wingers think.” I shrug now, though it wasn’t a question. 

“He’d get over it, like I said, he’ll forgive you.” He huffs at that. 

“Yeah, really seems to have forgiven me. Anyway why don’t you get out of here? Let me finish this.” I look at the shopkeeper and then back at Jason and my mouth in a thin line shaking my head again. 

“No can do, sorry.” He sighs exasperatedly. 

“Get out now.” The gun is back to being pointed at me and I just look Jason in the eyes and blink unimpressively. 

“You really need to work on that, I expected more.” He glares at me. 

“What do you want!” He yells. 

“Put the gun down.” 

“Fuck you.” He screams. 

“You don’t have to do this.” Now he’s shaking his head. 

“Just because I didn’t kill you last time doesn’t mean I won’t now. Leave.” He tried to hold to his position. 

“Are you really going to make me do this?” I question him, I’d been taking three new defense courses for the last four months. Jason moved the barrel of the gun for it point just past my head and he shoots, I don’t flinch having been working on that too and the bullet flies by only ruffling my hair. I sigh deeply and Jason gaps. “Do you feel better yet?” I ask a little impatient, B is going to get here soon. 

“Why won’t you leave!” I roll my eyes. 

“You’re a fucking idiot. B definitely heard that, I’m not allowed out alone, Oracle thought this was going to be easy and that I could go alone. I need to prove I can do this or else I’ll have to stay in the goddamn house for another six months. So cooperate.” He laughs at me. 

“In your dreams.” He says between gasps. 

“Trust me you’re much more agreeable in my dreams.” He stops looking at me and I take the chance grabbing his wrist and pulling making him stumble into the rack of candy and curse. I’m up and over the obstacle before he can regain his balance and soon I have him on the floor and handcuffed. 

“Red!” Batman burst in then and I stand on Jason so he can’t get up, he goes silent. 

“Hey Bats, I got everything under control, no need to worry. Just gotta make sure the shopkeepers okay and I’ll be out.” He nods relief evident in his eyes and I smile brightly at him. He leaves and I watch him grapple up before stepping off Jason. “Okay asshole, get the fuck out of here and we won’t ever talk about this again.”

“You dream about me?” Jason asks and I laugh. 

“That’s what you’re caught up on?” I move to leave but his hand reaches out and catches my arm. 

“What do- I mean- why?” He isn’t looking at me but I take the opportunity. 

“Why did you really ask if I’d fallen in love yet?” I see the light blush on his cheeks. “You’re sweet, always have been, nothing's changed.” I leave while telling him this letting the implications hang loose in the air.   
_________________________________________

When school had started I was still healing a little so now far having had enough to let the scar and everything settle I was really getting into the swing of things, photography really wasn’t anyone’s first idea for my major but when they hear what I’m minoring in they all seem really surprised. It’d become a sort of on going joke in the dorms. It was hard living the dorms and trying to sneak around wearing a costume, but I was getting used to it and as soon as freshmen year passed I would be allowed to live off campus and I am so looking forward to that. Not that I mind my roommate but I just don’t want to have to keep watching my back everytime I come back to campus. 

Other than that I have complains about college, though freetime became something of a nuisance pretty quickly and so I filled it with whatever I thought sounded interesting. So now I’m taking two language classes as well as some relaxing classes, like yoga, well really just three different types of yoga, but it's fun. I even got a few of the other guys in on one of the classes but really I think it was the teacher, apparently she’s hot. 

“Yoga today?” My roommate walks in and I look him over. 

“Yeah, you coming?” I ask back. 

“Of course, I’m always free for Yoga with Kori.” I roll my eyes as he continues. “I don’t know how you do it, all those yoga classes you attend there has to be smoking hot girls in those too, and Tim, I’m just going to say it, but like no homo, you’re hot.” I laugh hard and loud at that. “What?”

“No homo, are you serious right now?” He blushes furiously. 

“Look dude I don’t want you getting wrong idea I don’t swing that way so you don’t have to be uncomfortable.” I eye him up again. 

“Uncomfortable? Why would I be uncomfortable with a gay man?” He sighs clearly not wanting to continue the conversation. 

“Because they’re creepy.” He shrugs. 

“I’m creepy?” He looks at me like I’m stupid. 

“No, you’re not Tim, gay men are.” He shrugs again saying it like it’s fact. 

“So you really think I’m creepy?” He seems to be getting angry now. 

“No Tim! Gay-” He stops and I just look at him as he reevaluate the situation and recognition hits him like a ton of bricks. 

“Priceless.” I say moving past him. 

“You’re gay!” He yells out into the hallway and I don’t turn around as he follows me. 

“You don’t say.” I laugh as he gaps at me. 

“Why didn’t you ever say anything? God now I look like an asshole.” 

“Oh no you were an asshole before, the fact that ‘gay men are creepy’ was your first defense proved it.” He curses himself and tries to fix the situation. 

“Look seriously Tim I didn’t mean it, you know just like I’m not used to gay people, you’re like the first one I’ve meet.” I huff a small laugh.

“Wonder why.” 

“I’m trying to apologize Tim, Jesus.” I shake my head not really watching where I’m going as we walk, knowing that it’s the right direction, but not paying much attention. 

“You really suck at it too.” I say and he makes an annoyed sound. 

“What do you want me to do? I’ll do anything just stop being mad at me. You mad is just- scary.” He whispers the end. 

“For a moment there it almost seemed like you were going to say creepy again.” I smirk. 

“Tim!” He say a bit whiny. 

“Yes, darling. Or do you prefer sweetheart. Honey. Dearest. Daddy.” He gawks at me and I laugh loudly again, loving his reaction. “Please stop, it’s too much.” I’m doubled over because he’s open and closed his mouth multiple times trying to respond. 

“Timothy, did you just call me Daddy.” It only gets worse when he speaks a grin spread across his cheeks. 

“I said stop, Ica-n’t breath.” I get that sentence out through great pains in my sides. 

“Please tell me you don’t have a Daddy kink.” It’s then that the figure who’d been not too far off stops walking a few feet behind them. 

“What?” Jason’s voice surprises me, because he is the last person I ever expected to see in civilian clothes. 

“Jason?” My voice is breathy and rough with laughing and a blush seeps into Jason’s cheeks. I wipe the few tears from my eyes standing straight again and looking at him. 

“You know him?” Joe speaks next to my ear, and I realize how close he is and step away startled. 

“Ye-yeah, why were you? Whatever.” I shake my head and look back at Jason who is looking Joe over. “What are you doing here?” I ask and Jason looks back at me. 

“I’m looking for you.” My heart skips but there’s too many reason why it would to really focus on it. 

“Why?” I bite back instantly. 

“I wanted to talk.” I look at Joe and think for a second.

“I’m meeting Dick in an hour and a half, if I’m not there-”

“You will be.” He assures and I nod.

“Go to yoga, I’ll be there when this is over.” I say to Joe and he gives me a concerned glance before glaring at Jason. Joe leaves and I walk closer to Jason. 

“Fall in love yet?” I laugh. 

“Joe just called gay men creepy, you don’t have to jealous.” There’s a look that pass through his eyes too quickly. 

“You called him Daddy.” He counters and I look at him unamused. 

“Would you rather I call you Daddy?” I see it and recognize it instantly, Jason liked that. “You-” His hand covers my mouth as he slams me against the wall behind me, and I can’t help it a groan leaves my lips at the force. It wasn’t to hurt me just to shut me up, and god I wish it was for more, with Jason so close my head's a fucking mess. 

“You like it rough?” He asks, breath on my neck and I whimper. God this is so embarrassing, but it’s also seriously hot. “How am I not surprised.” His lips ghost over my ear and I wiggle against him, trying to get some kind of control over the situation. “You like this? Really?” His eyes meet mine and I see that fleeting look again. He lets go not long after and I straighten up making sure I don’t look too crazed. 

“You like being called Daddy, so I don’t see how my kink is that much worse.” He shakes his head. “What are you here to kink shame? I thought you had something you wanted to talk about?” 

“Yeah okay, I get it.” He looks at me but there’s something there and I’m not quite unaware of as much as I try to ignore it. I think Jason might just like my kink. “There’s this case I’m working-”

“You’re doing what now? A case? Wait I don’t get it why are you-” 

“Tim.” He says my name and heat runs through my body. “Not important. I need your help.” I step back at that and he notices scowling deeply and stepping toward me. 

“My help?” The wall is at my back again. 

“Yes, you’re help.” He’s too close, I put my arm out to let him know that and he stops leaning closer. 

“Why?”

“There’s something going on with Dent and Cobblepot, but I can’t get as much information as you can. I don’t exactly have many computer inclined friends.” He says.

“So you need Barbra, not me.” He gives me a look.

“Don’t pretend like you don’t know how to hack just as well as she does.” I look away. 

“Fine, maybe I do, but I don’t see I should be helping you.” He grabs my face and makes me look back at him. 

“Because I’m asking, and it’s to take down two to the nastiest assholes alive.” I grab the wrist of his hand that’s holding my face. 

“If I do this will you stop trying to kill me all the time?” He smirks and gets close like before, his lips over my ear. 

“Oh sweetheart that’s just foreplay.” He ghost his lips over my cheek and then they’re a hair length away from my own and he stays like that for a moment then pulls away and is walking backward sending my finger guns to which I flip him off, and he turns on his heels laughing. God this is so fucked. 

I text Joe letting him know I’m skipping yoga today and head straight to Dick’s place, letting myself in and getting comfortable as I wait for him to get home. He’ll know something's off if I don’t calm the fuck down before he gets here. I start looking through his book and find some stupid self-help one deciding it would have to do because sitting here to my encounter with Jason so fresh in my mind was not going to do me any good. 

“Tim?” I jump when Dick walks in. I was so lost in the jumble of thoughts that I didn’t notice him walking in. 

“Fuck.” He hits the back of my head and I glare at him. “Damnit Dick when are you going to stop doing that?”

“When you stop cussing.” He hits me again. 

“Not happening asshole.” He looks me over and oh god how does he already know? 

“What happened today?” I look away from him.

“Joe said gay men are creepy.” He shakes his head. 

“Nope that’s not it, so why are you trying to deflect?” 

“Because I’m an adult and I don’t have to tell you everything that’s going on in my life.” He smiles wickedly and I get a strange feeling that makes me want to vomit. 

“You’re seeing someone.” I pause for a moment thinking about the option I had and deciding that as long as he doesn’t know about Jason then there isn’t really a problem. 

“I’m not talking about it.” He squeals, the Dick Greyson, squeals, and tackles me. 

“I have to met him Tim, like now.” I shake my head. 

“Nope, no, not happening. Get off.” He starts tickling me and everything turns to pained giggles. 

“Tim, what’s his name?” My mind is running in too many goddamn directions that I can’t focus completely on anything and definite can’t think of an of my friends that I can convince to at least pretend to be dating me. 

“It’s not official and I don’t want to jinx it.” I scream trying so hard to stop him from tickling me. He does and sits back. 

“Oh, okay, well then when it is being him over to the manor okay?” He looks me over and I nod. Only Dick could make you feel guilty for lying to him even when he doesn’t know it. 

We spend the rest of the day doing brotherly things and having fun, even get Damian on facetime to talk while we all play a video game. I tell Joe that I’m staying the night at Dick’s but really it patrol night and this way I don’t have to sneak around. We’re out on the rooftops in no time. There’s no much activity and the night slows to a lul leaving us to our mind, or conversation as if common with Dick. 

“Tell me about him.” He requests, I wish someone would stab me right now so I don’t have to talk about this. 

“What about him?” Dick looks over at me with his thinking face. 

“What does he look like?” I think of Jason and immediately put that image to the back of my mind. 

“Mm.” I look out over the city in front of us. “He’s tall, a jock really.” My friend Conner comes to mind and I smirk. “Black hair, blue eyes.” Dick looks me over and I know why. “What?”

“Tim.” He says my name with a warning and I roll my eyes. 

“His name’s Conner.” Dick brightens up but there’s still doubt. “Dick it’s called having a type.” I can see the little flush on his cheeks. 

“I know, he jus-” 

“Sounded familiar.” Red Hood drops down in front of us and Dick is moving in front of me before I can register what’s going on. 

“What the hell are you doing here?” Dick growls. 

“Oh c'mon Dickie, it’s me, little Jason.” His finger runs over the latch at the back of the helmet, and there's a hiss as the air is released. His hair is wild like it was the night Tim found him in the stop and go store. 

“Don’t you try that with-” I put my hands on Dick shoulders and move around him. 

“What do you want?” Dick goes to grab for me but I’ve already stepped too far away. 

“Tim.” He says my name as a warning again. 

“Shh, Dick, Tim and I have some business.” I shake my head. 

“You’re a fucming idiot, you know that. He’s going to tell Bruce and if you think-” I get cut off by Jason throwing me over his shoulder. 

“Jason!” Dick shouts from the rooftop we left him on, Jason twists a little and I see the gun in his hand and start panicking. 

“Jason, no, that’s Dick.” I kick and try to escape from his grasp but can’t which pisses me off. 

“I know, Tim, they’re plastic, they don’t penetrate skin, or armor.” He shots and I watch Dick fall back cussing himself as he screams after us. Jason does let me down until we’re outside Dick’s patrol route. 

“I’m going to get in trouble for this, because Dick now knows that I’ve seen you, that we’ve talked.” Jason invades my personal space suddenly, pressing in on me and cornering me another wall hits my back and I curse myself. 

“Conner?” He tilts his head and the lethal look in his eyes is different than what I’m accustomed to. 

“Yeah?’ I tilt my head the opposite way, of Jason and watch his eyes stare at my lips. 

“You said you weren’t in love with anyone earlier.” I smile and Jason looks into my eyes. 

“Oh is Daddy jealous?” Jason growls and press fully against me, making me shudder at the contact. 

“Who is he?” Jason’s voice is in my ear again. 

“Did you mean it?” Jason pulls back and looks at me confused.

“Mean what?” He asks. 

“About this being foreplay?” His eyes darken and he leans close. 

“Maybe.” He whispers. 

“Then I won’t tell you who he is.” He pulls me away from the wall and pushes me back against it jostling me. 

“Tim.” Another warning. 

“Give me a straight answer.” He pulls away dramatically and turns running his hand through his hair, aggravatedly. 

“Why?” He says loudly. 

“Because Jason, I need to know, if I let this happen then I have so much more to worry about then just wanting to fuck you.” I take my ear piece out so no one can listen in. 

“I don’t have answer. No a good one. You’re my replacement.” I turn and start walking away. “Where are you going?” He tries to grabbing me but I expect it and deflect getting away. 

“I’m leaving.” Dick is going to be pissed. 

“Why?” Jason is close behind me. 

“Because this is bullshit Jason. Don’t come looking for me again. I’m sure there’s someone around you can make help you.” He’s right on my heels now and grabs for me, but I dodge again. 

“Tim-”

“No.” I say it with all the conviction I can. “No, Jason, it’s not happening. I’m not staying, and I’m serious. Fuck I’ll stay at the manor if I have to. Find someone else.” He looks like someone kicked his dog, but I don’t stay long enough to let it affect me. I put my earpiece back in and am met with Barbara's angry screaming in my ear. 

“Timothy how fucking dare you!” She yells.

“Yeah I’m sorry. I left him back by the 10th street depot.” Her breath catches. 

“You left him? Like took him out.” I hear the hop in her voice. 

“No, just left.” 

“Tim.” 

“Look Bab’s this really isn’t the ti-” I can’t help the scream that tears through my throat as pain erupts through my side. Barbara is yelling through the speaker and my vision is darkening as a familiar figure in a suit walks but flipping a coin. “Two face.” I stay before I black out. 

I wake up to the pain in my side. How the fuck did Harvey manage this? I move a little and the pain is so overwhelming a strangled cry leaves me. “Hey Bird boy, moving around like that’s not going to help. Bullet was made to fracture on impact, every move you makes lets those little piece side further into you body sinking deep down.” I know this voice too. 

“Cobblepot, heard you were in bed with Dent.” He grimaces. “How’s the sex, heard a lot of things about it?” 

“Disgusting.” I turn my head at the new voice that isn’t as familiar as it should be because sitting a foot away from me is Deadshot. 

“What the hell are you doing here with these psychos?” His mask gives nothing away. 

“I am a paid mercenary.” He says with a bland voice. 

“I know, I just thought you at least had standards, and better taste in clinettel.” 

“He has a taste for good money, and we are paying him handsomely.” Two face steps up from behind me. 

“Dent I was wondering where your lovely faces were.” He grimaces and Deadshot sticks his thumb in the open wound on my side, and I cry out again. “Fuckers.” I glare at Deadshot. Batman is going to try and come by himself, he has no idea the scope of this shit. Goddamnit Jason, this is why you needed help. The most surprising guest walks in at that moment. “Catwoman, you too.” She has the decency to look guilty for a moment and then a smug look takes its place. 

“Look Boy Wonder-” I cut him off. 

“If any of us are a ‘Boy Wonder’ it’s Nightwing. Oh he’ll love that.” A hand smacks across my face, which I know instantly is Oswalds. 

“Rude Boy.” I glare at him. 

“That would be Robin two, try again.” His hand comes back across my face from the opposite side, which makes me move in the chair and that stinging pain consume me again. 

“So the one with a death wish then.” Dent speaks up, and I laugh through the pain. 

“Yeah, you got me there.” Cobblepot pulls my hair and makes me look up at him, one of the few times he’s had that happen I’m sure and it’s only because I’m tied to a chair. 

“Saw you with that Red Hood guy tonight.” I know that they must have just seen him take me away because if they’d seen anythin- Fingers are being shoved into my mouth and I’m choking on them as they hit the back of my throat. Fuck they did see that. God this is disgusting I can’t believe Cobblepots fingers are in my mouth, damnit Jason. I glare at him through teary eyes as my gag reflex is tested over and over again. 

My throat feel raw from the bile that had risen because of the harsh way Penguins fingers had been pushing in my mouth. Dent is in front of me now with a knife in his hand as he cuts the restraints from my arms Deadshot once again press his thumb to the open wound forcing me to stay still from the pain exerted. “You’re disgusting.” I grit out through deep breaths. Harvey pulls me from the chair and throws me over the desk that was sitting in front of where they’d had me tied. New restrains were set in place as pressure was once again applied to the bullet hole which was still furiously bleeding. 

Anxiety the likes of which I’d never felt before bloomed in side my chest, my heart beating so fast and hard that I’m sure it would kill me given the chance and right now at the moment I hope it does, or that I at least pass out because I do not want to be awake for this, or maybe even alive afterward. I feel the press of metal to the part of my suit covering my left ass cheek, as well as tears in my eyes at the thought of what is going to happen to me. I should have stayed with Jason. As bad as he is I doubt he would go this far, not at least without consent. God why are my kinks so fucked. It’s not like I want this to happen, but if it was Jason I don’t really think I’d mind. 

Whatever, this isn’t Jason, this Harvey Dent and Oswald Cobblepot, Harvey as least used to be a semi decent man and doesn’t smell like rotten fish. Penguin smell like the actually animals exhibit at the Gotham zoo and his skin felt oily like fish oil. The slaps from earlier come back to mind, and then the feeling of his finger in my mouth and I wretch, the bile all fall from my mouth and Dent makes a disapproving noise. I feel the slip of the knife cutting the material above my ass and feel a sob threaten to leave me. Of course it would be me of all people tied down by three murderous assholes because I turned down the guy I had literally been wanting to have sex with since I knew what sex was. 

Hands explore the skin of my ass under my suit, the hold that was made covered the expanse of my ass crack I just fucking knew it and it made me even sicker. One of the hands found its way to my front where it was trying and failing to get a reaction from my soft dick. As if this shit would do anything for, fucking perv. Suddenly I feel the slip of what is definitely a dick against one of my bare cheek and my body stiffens. Time slows down and all there is is the elongated seconds passing and the memory of this feeling burned into my skin. Even after this I knew I would still feel these hands, their texture running over my body without permission for the rest of my life. 

This was a one time thing, even if none of these men were to ever come near me again no amount of time will make the invisible hands less realistic, like tattoos no one could see, always there. Because I would know, I would remember. I try not to memorize every second but that’s all I can do, shock and shame keeping me still. For all the time spend training look at where it’s gotten me. Sure I’d been kidnaped before but nothing like this had ever transpired. 

I’m so out of it with all the emotions flooding my senses that I don’t even notice that the dick and hands aren’t on me anymore, or the sounds of fist hitting flesh over and over. Blood spattered over the walls and furniture doesn’t even bring me out of the void, the hands do. I’m screaming I know it, screaming and I can’t stop, because the hands were gone and are back. I react more than anything and don’t even think about consequences, someones cutting the restrains, and there’s words but the blood rushing through my ears doesn’t let me hear what they’re saying. I whirl around and- and Jason is there. 

“Jason.” My voice is broken even in my own ears, his eyes trail over me and then he pulls me close. 

“Tim.” His voice is broken too, ragged and unmistakably apologetic. “I’m sorry.” Pain registers then as adrenaline and shock ware off, and I slump back on the desk. “Fuck.” Jason look at the wound still openly bleeding. 

“The bullet was made to shatter, and splinter. Every move, they get deeper.” I can hear my voice but I’m blank on the inside, it’s like reflex. Give him the information and he can fix it. A pained look crosses him face. 

“We gotta get you out of here.” Jason tires to pick me up, and lets a impressive string of cuss words leave him. 

“Bruce.” It’s just his name but I know Jason gets it and he shakes his head. 

“I’ll call him later, we don’t have time for that. God it’s been hours.” Jason says ,‘Fuck it’ and picks me up apologizing over and over for the pain. Air hits my ass and I stiffen and yell at him to put me down, he does immediately. “Tim, what’s-” He stops when he notice me trying to cover my ass. “Fuck.” He say again. 

Jason look around the room quickly trying to find anything to cover up my little problem and as he does I take in the sense around me. Dent and Cobblepot are unconscious on the floor but Deadshot is nowhere to be seen. “Deadshot.” Jason looks at me and then at the two on the floor and a look even more depraved than the ones I imagine him having worn when he’d tried to kill me crosses his face. 

“Ran out like the scum he is.” He spits on dents suit hitting the ‘clean’ part. 

“He put his fingers in my mouth.” I furrow my brows and scrunch my nose is a way that clearly depicts how I felt about that. “It was disgusting, you think just punching his is gross, no, there’s worse.” Jason looks at me and the look in his eyes is so fucking pain and furious, but I know he’s not mad at me. He’s mad at himself. “Who’s dick was it?” His eyes meet mine and he looks away. “Jason, who’s.” I say again more a demand. 

“Dents.” He says and I nod, and then the fucking bile comes back and I lean over quickly throwing up again and crying out in pain at the same time. “Fuck, Tim.” Jason comes to held me sit back. “There’s nothing here to help with the suit problem. We need to go.” I nod and let him pick me up again and stiffen again as air hits my ass. 

It’s not any better when we get outside, but sooner than expected we’re at one of Jason’s safe houses. He’s pulling open the window and entering as quietly as possible. But then people are rushing out from one of the closed doors inside. Bats held high and yelling, they stop when they see Jason and drop their bats rushing toward him but stopping again at the sight of Tim. 

“Jesus, what the fuck Jason? You bring him here-” Jason cuts them off. 

“Get out.” His voice his strong and commanding, they look at him like he’s just shot their best friend. 

“What!” A female voice shouts, it’s familiar. 

“Just go back to your room.” Jason keeps his voice even. 

“Hey did you cu-” The guys is cut off by Jason. 

“I said leave.” Both blurry figures look at Jason and then recede back to the door they came from. He moves easily through the space and into the kitchen setting me down and running to go find some stuff. 

“Jason?” I call out after a little while and then a blurry looking Jason shows up in front of my face. I reach up, “You’re blurry.” 

“Mm, am I?” He seem focused on something else and that makes me mad. 

“Pay attention to me.” He breathes out heavily but doesn’t look at me. 

“I am, I’m getting the stuff ready to fucking perform a really crude surgery on you, so please let me focus.” He looks at me at the end and I smile at him. 

“You’re gorgeous.” I can’t seem to filter my words for before speaking. 

“Tim.” He breaths. 

“Just a kiss.” I ask and Jason tense up, but then leans forward after some debate. The kiss lights a fire in my chest that burns and warms every part of me, and for a moment I forget anything happened at all, there’s just Jason and his lips on mine. When he does pull away the pain is still there but I feel lighter. It wouldn’t be until when I woke up tha I realized he’d drugged me so I would pass out and not have to go through the pain of the improtue surgery. 

I wake groggy next to Jason on an unfamiliar bed, the nights event hit me quickly and then subside slightly as I remembered how I got here with Jason. Lucid yet not vivid images dance in my mind and then kissing him comes to mind and the warm buzz of the memory remind me of how I’d fallen asleep. I slap Jason’s arm hard and watch, amused, as he scrabbled awake ready to fight someone but finding me giving him a very unimpressed look. The movement of the bed as he shifts makes me wince. 

“Sorry.” He say stopping his movement in an uncomfortable position. 

“Don’t lay like that if it’s not comfortable.” He goes to argue but I slap his arm again, and he finished getting comfortable quickly. 

“What was that for anyways?” He asks and I roll my eyes. 

“I hate being drugged.” He hums and then runs a hand through his hair. 

“So-”

“We kissed.” Jason blushes. I never would have guessed Jason would blush so easily. 

“Yeah, I um-” 

“You were hoping I wouldn’t remember.” Jason moves before he can remember my fragile state.

“No!” He shouts and then stops cold. “Tim, no, I went looking for you when you left. Found your belt on the roof about halfway to B’s patrol and knew something had to have happened. Didn’t take me long to find the shell for the bullet.” He pauses and then, “God I wish I hadn’t let you leave.” 

“Don’t.” My voice is stern and commanding like his had been last night. “Don’t do that Jason, if we’re going to do this then you can’t blame yourself.” Jason looks over my face and then a hesitante grin breaks out over his face. 

“Do what-”

“Don’t do that either, right now just isn’t the time. I’m up for games any other time, but fuck.” Jason’s grin fades to a smile but he nods and then carefully moves closer to me putting an arm around me protectively. 

“Is that okay?” He asks. 

“Almost anything is okay when it’s you.” I tell him honestly and feel him place as kiss to my jaw. “Just t-take it, s-low.” He shushes me. 

“You too Timbers, I’m all yours.” He sighs, “We should talk about this though.”

“Okay.” I agree. 

“I treated you badly. I fucking tried to kill you multiple times, and that is not okay, whatever shit you say about forgiving me aside, it’s there and I won’t deny it. I have to own that.” I nod and know he feels it. 

“I replaced you, even if without meaning to. No one knew you were alive-” 

“I wasn’t. Well, when you came into the picture yes, I was and Joker made sure I knew. Put all these ideas in my head and then he shot me. I was dead, but I came back and if you ask me to explain that I really can’t.” I call his name and he looks up at me. 

“You were fucking dead?” I ask and he just says ‘yep’, like it’s so normal, and I start laughing but that is the worse mistake. “Shit.” I hiss, and feel the muscles in my body all tighten because of the pain. 

“Tim, be careful.” Jason is pushed up on his elbow looking down at me. 

“You were dead.” He huffs and reaches over me for something. “What’s that?’ 

“Pain killers.” He’s so close it my my heartbeat faster, I kiss his jaw not even thinking about it and he stops looking down at me and smiling. He leans down and brushes our lips together, it such a nice feeling and my heart feels like it’s going to burst. I moan into the pressure as Jason deepens the kiss. His hand on the side of my face fingers trailing into my hair, but then memories of Cobblepots fingers come back and I push him away quickly he looks startled and I feel guilty. 

I shake my head, “Not you.” I look down, he seems to understand. 

“You want to brush your teeth?” I remember telling him about it, and nod. He helps me to the bathroom and I realize we must still be in the same safehouse. 

“Who are those people?” I look at the door on the other side of the living room. 

“Roy and Kori, my best friends.” Kori.

“Kori? She teaches yoga. My friends love her, but most just want to fuck her.” Jason laughs.

“Roy’ll kick their asses.” 

“I have no doubt.” I realize as we walk into the bathroom that I’m not wearing my domino. I look at Jason and he seems to understand. 

“They won’t tell anyone Tim. I swear.” I nod and then watch Jason pull out extra tooth brushed from a draw and the tooth paste. He doesn’t question why I brush my teeth five times before getting into the shower and washing myself five time. I’m not sure why five, it just seemed right and really even if I wanted to clean myself more my wound wouldn’t let me. 

When I get back out into the living area Roy and Kori are sitting at the dining table while Jason cooks. Kori looks at me and her jaw drops, I give her an non committal smile and wave. “Tim.” She breathes.

“Yeah.” I nod and she literally looks so shocked. 

“How do you two know each other?” Roy’s voice has an accusatory tone to it. 

“Yoga.” Kori grits through her teeth. 

“Roy.” Jason’s tone holds a warning. I pull one of the seats out at the kitchen table and sit down feeling a little dizzy. I lean forward placing my head on the wooden table top. “You okay?’ Jason is standing beside me and I give him a non-committal noise in response. 

“Coffee.” Kori states and Jason looks at her, but I hum in response and she nods her head. “He always has some either before or after class. I think he lives off it.” 

“You too seem pretty close.” Roy states. 

“Fuck off.” My voice is strained, but stern. 

“What, you little sh-”

“You’re insecurity makes my head hurt.” Jason laughs but Roy is not happy. 

“Oh yeah, well at least I’m some needy fucking sl-” The word is almost out of his mouth when Jason slams him hard onto the table his head a few inches from mine, and the suddenness and force makes me move in a weird way that hurts, I cry out a little. 

“You keep this up Roy and I swear you’ll goddamn regret it. Do not talk about last night like you know shit about what happened, and if Tim ever seems uncomfortable around you I’ll best the shit out of you.” Kori seems furious but Jason’s gaze moves to her. “No, I’m not apologizing for shit Kori and I’m serious, you keep him in check and if he so much as mentions last night again you better hope I don’t hear about it.” 

“Jason, you’re loud.” He looks at me and knows I’m telling him to shut up, he let’s go of Roy who straightens up and seems ready to rip my damn head off, but then I heard my phone going off with Dick’s ringtone. “Did you ever call?” I look at Jason who goes pale. “Jason.” He gets my phone for me and as soon as I answer Dick is screaming through the speaker. 

“Timothy Jackson Drake, where the fuck are you?” I glare at Jason because I know he heard Dick cuss. 

“Can’t talk about it now Grey.” Roy and Kori are staring at me. 

“I’m sorry I don’t think you understa-” I cut him off.

“No you don’t understand and if someone wasn’t fucking oblivious he would have called last night and let Bats know about a huge fucking bust. Either way I’m not talking about it now, and I’m out for patrols too, I got shot.” Dick screams Jason’s name. 

“I know he’s fucking there Tim, tell him I’m going to kill him.” I shake my head. 

“You aren’t going to do that.” I tell him. 

“He shot you!” Kori looks at Jason and Roy looks smug. 

“Did I say that?” My voice gives nothing away. 

“You don’t hav-” 

“No Grey, he didn’t shoot me. It was Deadshot.” Kori looks at me now and Roy’s smugness falls away. 

“Deadshot’s back in town.” It’s not a question. 

“He was working for-” I pause and breath in deeply and out just a fully. “Penguin and Two Face. Did Oracle not tell you?” 

“She mention you saying something but that she was too freaked out to understand.” I think about it. 

“Yeah that makes sense, can’t say I blame her, one second I’m talking like normal and the next I’m screaming can’t have been fun. Tell her I’m sorry about that.” Dick huffs on the other side. 

“Penguin and Two Face, that it?” I think about it and remember Selina. 

“No, Catwoman.” I look at Jason and he has this confused look on his face. I think back to everything and try to remember when she left. Cobblepots fingers come to mind and I gag. 

“Tim?” Dick voice comes through the speaker but I’m up and moving already making it just in time to the toilet and throwing up again. Jason Follows soon after hold my phone in his hand, I take it back. “What happened?” Dick’s voice sounds panicked. 

“Threw up.” I answer and try not to think about it. “I don’t remember why she left, I think Two Face said something to her.” Jason sits on the floor with his back pressed against mine supporting me but giving me space. It’s so fucking nice. 

“Harvey-” I shiver involuntarily and Jason stiffens. 

“Don’t call him that, those fucking monsters don’t deserve names.” Jason’s hand reaches out for mine. 

“Tim-” 

“Not over the phone Dick. I’m tired.” Dick is quite for a while.

“Where are you?” He asks.

“Dunno, but you aren’t going to find out. Dick, I’m fine really, don’t. This place isn’t just a safe house.” Jason says nothing. 

“Let me talk to Jason.” Dick requests. 

“Don’t be an ass.” Jason and Dick talk for awhile and then Jason hands the phone to me and I say goodbye. Jason helps me up and I brush my teeth again. “She left just after Penguin started, I don’t even know what to call that really.” Jason’s hands rub circles in my shoulders, I hum in approval. 

“You don’t have to talk about it.” Jason says. 

“I want to.” I look at him in the reflection of the mirror. “I don’t want to have to tell anyone else, so you’re going to have to do it for me.” He nods and continues, letting me gather myself while I recount what happened. He keeps himself in check and doesn’t let his anger and frustration work into the massage. “Thank you.” I say at the end and catch Jason’s eyes in the mirror again. 

“Why are you thanking me?” He asks in disbelief. 

“You came for me. I gave up, and you showed up. Don’t doubt that what you did was the best you could for the situation Jason. And I swear if you ever say it was you fault I’ll kick your ass, and if I’m not in any shape to then I’ll let Dick have a go.” Jason smiles and leans in, pressing against me slowly and kissing my neck. 

“Okay, I think I burned breakfast.” He smiles.


	3. I did something bad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, hey, I don't bite (unless you want me to) so please talk to me. I love hearing from everyone.

“I did something bad.” My hands are shaking with the weight of everything that damn little fucker said to me right up until the very moment my hands moved. He’d done it all for me, in my name because I hadn’t gotten to. Who the fuck says that to someone? Who the fuck then kills that person? I hate having a conscious in moments like these. I hate that I called the cops directly afterwards, that I watched the ambulance pull up and waited to know if he was okay. But more than anything I hate that I can’t stop thinking about him.

“What do you mean? What did you do?” Kori looks at me and Roy seems unperturbed by our conversation. 

“I didn’t kill him.” Kori looks at me for a while. 

“Wasn’t that the point though? Let him get all comfortable, let the safe feeling take over and then ruin it? What happened?” She seems seriously concerned. 

“Everything just fell apart.” I feel so stupid right now, sitting in their dining room at two in the morning like this, blood still on my damn hands. His blood. 

“How?” Roy looks up. 

“He started talking saying things that just- fuck.” Kori puts her hand over mine. 

“What did he say?” She asks calmly. 

“I asked him why he was okay with dying, like seriously okay with it, said he had a month to come to terms and that he’d done everything he’d set out to up until then and that people would continue where he left off.” Even she seems a little rattled by this as anyone should, this kid, a fucking high school graduate ready to lay it all down. 

“God, what kind of life is he living?” Another good question. 

“A fucking perfect one. I looked him up, the fucker has perfect grades, finished all of his required courses before he needed to and has been taking extra courses at school he doesn’t need.” Kori seems impressed. 

“But why?” Roy is seriously interested now. 

“That’s what I asked him, and-” I pause reliving the moment, Tim is looking at me, clear and honest as he tells me something I never wanted to hear. Something that makes my chest ache and all my morals rewrite themselves. “He said he did it for me, because I never got to and he regretted that. He wanted to do it for me.” Kori just stares at me for a while, and Roy thinks. 

“Why would he feel so close to you?” He asks. 

“Said he loved me. That he looked up to me when I was Robin.” Kori’s eyes search mine. 

“What else?” 

“Said I would be forgiven, and that he forgave me as I cut him open.” A horrified look takes over her face and Roy gets up from where he’s sitting. “I couldn’t leave him there, not after that. I thought I could but I turned around. God I fucked up.” My head is in my hands and I feel Kori get up and wrap her arms around me. 

“Jason, what you did isn’t bad.” 

“But it is, I almost killed him.” She nods. 

“Do you want him to forgive you?” Roy is talking again with a cigarette in his hand. 

“I don’t know.” 

“Then stop worrying about it. Figure out what you want and then worry about whether or not this crazy asshole really forgave you.” I look at Kori and she just nods. 

_______________________________________

 

The only problem is that I can’t just forget it and move on like I don’t care. Hacking into the hospital records to see how he’s doing starts to become a nightly routine until he’s released and once he is I spend way too much time having my men do a little distracting to pull B and Dick from their respective patrols and allow me to get close enough to at least look in on Tim and see if anything has changed. If you ask me it’s sad, but when he starts school it gets so much easier. All his friends are idiots and easily talk about what he’s up to. 

Would have never pegged him for a photography buff, but now that I look at him it fits so well. Criminal justice almost seems much more natural which explains the minoring in law. I never thought that I want to be closer and now that I have the opportunity to be I can’t help it. It’s almost become a game I play with myself to see how close I can get without Tim noticing, but suddenly I need him a hell of a lot closer. Close enough to touch. 

And wouldn’t you know it, I heard pretty boy was out on patrol tonight with the big Bats-man. God I should not be as excited as I am right now, but the prospect of being in the same vicinity as him makes my skin tingle in all the place that the memory of his touch has burned into. What is this kid doing to me without even having to be anywhere near me? The shopkeeper I’m holding up starts fucking crying about something. 

“Robin. Please help me! I have kids.” My skin crawls in anticipation of seeing him, of him seeing me, and then the anxiety of him not having truly forgiven me bubbles up. I really hope he has. He walks in. 

“Red Hood.” His voice is soft and fragile. 

“Red Robin.” I can feel a burning run through me, just keep your composure Jason. 

“What’s going on?” He ask taking his ear piece out. 

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” My hands shake and I feel the sweat startup. 

“I’m not you. What’s the end game here?” Why am I pointing my gun at Tim?

“You fall in love yet?” Why did I ask that? My chest tightens waiting for him reply. 

“That’s why I’m alive? Didn’t expect you to be so sentimental.” That statement hurts way more than I would ever willingly admit, and the implications sear a scar into my heart. 

“No just wandering incase you do die this time.” I would never hurt you, I don’t know why I’m saying this.

“Do it.” Tim nods to the gun I am still pointing at him, and that night comes back to me unwittingly, I hate this. 

“What would Wingers think.” Tim doesn’t seems to notice how much he’s affecting me. 

“He’d get over it, like I said, he’ll forgive you.” Why is he so easy going right now? Why is he so willing to let me kill him? 

“Yeah, really seems to have forgiven me. Anyways why don’t you get out of here? Let me finish this.” He looks between me and the clerk. 

“No can do, sorry.” He doesn’t look very sorry. 

“Get out now.” I demand hoping that all the rage I suddenly feel at his lack of self preservation doesn’t cloud my judgement like it has so many times before. I swear if I really do kill him this time I don’t think I’ll be able to get over that. 

“You really need to work on that, I expected more.” Is he fucking teasing me now? 

“What do you want!” I scream because everything is too much, seeing him, talking to him. God Tim, why can’t you just be easy? I just want you to leave, cause I don’t trust myself. 

“Put the gun down.” His voice is steady and light, comforting almost. 

“Fuck you.” God just leave, please. I don’t want to hurt you. 

“You don’t have to do this.” Tim, please. 

“Just because I didn’t kill you last time doesn’t mean I won’t now. Leave.” I’m trying so hard Tim. 

“Are you really going to make me do this?” I don’t even register pulling the trigger, I’m wound up and strung out with too many conflicting emotions that the explosion of a bullet leaving it’s casing actually surprises me, and then I realize it’s aimed at Tim. He doesn’t fucking move, the bullet passing by him just bareilly and I can breath again but it’s still tight with feelings. “Do you feel better yet?” He asks. 

“Why won’t you leave!” I am so taken aback by what just happened and all the things I’m feeling. That the next few minutes are almost a blur. He takes me down, that much I know, as I take in the bottom of the rack holding the candy. But what really sticks is a few of his words, ‘trust me you’re much more agreeable in my dreams’, I’m not completely sure how someone is supposed to feel after having heard that come from the person who had recently taken up residency in their own dreams. And if that weren’t enough Tim goes on to say, ‘You’re sweet, always have been, nothing's changed,’ what does that even mean? How long has Tim dreamt of me? 

God why does it feel so overwhelming and all consuming to know he’s dreaming of me? He could dream of anyone else and it’s me? Even now? I don’t deserve this and yet I want it. I want to know what it’s like to hold Tim close, and the desire grows stronger the more I watch him. Kori doesn’t even know it but she’s been teaching him Yoga for the last few weeks. He’s so cute in those leggings, and I almost want to fucking punch the other guys around him but hold back when I notice one mimining fucking Kori, if only she knew. 

He looks so happy walking around and talking with his friends, it makes me jealous, and after about two more months of this I feel need to be apart of it, even if only in passing and so decided getting closer isn’t going to hurt anyone. Really it’s not like Tim even tries to be aware of his surroundings all the time, I swear I don’t know how he hasn’t noticed me yet. He stops at an intersection and is laughing while his friend is completely red in the face. I can almost make out the sound of the other guy whining Tim’s name like a child before Tim is speaking again and this I can hear perfectly. 

“Yes, darling. Or do you prefer sweetheart. Honey. Dearest. Daddy.” Tim sputters and I freeze up a little. “Please stop, it’s too much.” His friend takes a minute to respond. 

“Timothy, did you just call me Daddy.” He’s grinning and it makes me unbelievably mad. 

“I said stop, Ica-n’t breath.” Tim is holding his side and folded over himself a little. It’s cute really and I would enjoy it a hell of a lot more if he were talking to me, and not this guy. Who is this even? 

“Please tell me you don’t have a Daddy kink.” The kids says and I can’t help it. 

“What?” I hope my voice doesn't sound as wrecked as I feel. 

“Jason?” Tim straightens up and the way he says my name sends a shiver he must not have seen through me. 

“You know him?” The guy is way too close to Tim, and something comes over me deciding that I need to get Tim the fuck away from this guy before they can get closer and I have no room to step up and sweep him off his feet. 

However before I even really know it Tim is against the wall groaning and if that isn’t the sexiest thing I’ve ever heard then I don’t know what is. I don’t know how the conversation became so sexually charged but it did and as I walk away all I think about it turning around and forcing him to come home with me, but I promised he would be fine to go and see Dick. God and now I’m pissed off at Dick for no reason. 

My mind is reeling as I think about the fact that Tim agreed to help me with the Penguin and Two Face case, meaning I had reason to see him again and soon. The night could come fast enough and even then finding where Dick and Tim were hiding in the dark was hard, but eventually I do and relief floods through me. That is until I hear what they’re talking about. 

Dick is asking Tim about a guy he’s into, Tim lists a few descriptive words and my heart stops because if that doesn’t sound like me then- Conner? Who the hell is Conner and why do I want him fucking dead so badly? I don’t waste anytime, but even as I hit the rooftop everything's a little hazy all I can think about is getting Tim out of here and knowing everything I can about Conner and how the fuck I haven’t ever seen him and Tim together before. 

Everything goes way too fast and when I finally have a moment to catch my breath I left alone and Tim is gone. Probably for forever. Why am I so awful? Why didn’t I just tell him the truth? The thought of Conner clouded every other sensible thing I could have said and then I didn’t do what I should have instead I watched him walk away. I’m so damn useless, I had him right where I wanted him and my indecisiveness ruined what could have been the best thing in my life. My relife? What? Ugh. Why can’t anything be easy?

Why didn’t I just kill him? 

‘Because you don’t want him dead.’ Some long lost part of me pulls at my consciousness. ‘You want to be happy, and he can make you happy.’ I haven’t had nice thoughts like this in so long. ‘Jason go get him.’ I move without realizing it’s happening, following Tim on auto pilot. It’s not until a few minutes later that a nagging feeling crops up in my chest. There’s tension in the air, the kind that comes after something awful and lingers rotting the atmosphere. I know it well from the time I spent with Joker. 

I look around the area with trepidation trying to remain calm but the nagging was getting harder to ignore. Everything came to a head quickly when I notice a familiar looking belt carelessly left in an alleyway. There aren’t words that fit the way I felt seeing it. My whole being reacted at once, going into overdrive, there had to be more to explain where who ever had him had taken him and why. I needed answers. I needed Tim to be here with me, hurt maybe but that I could deal with, not knowing where he was had begun to hang low inside me hollowing out the innermost part of me. 

“Tim!” I scream out trying a failing to get a response and god why is it so damn hard to focus? I’m clumsy as I grapple from rooftop to rooftop looking for anything, please just be something- is that a casing? 

Everything settles every suddenly and I know, because it had to be something easy for once. Only it took me what two hours to find this? Tim please wherever you are be okay, or else I swear you’ll never live this down. I can finally understand how I feel and if you aren’t alive to hear what I have to say then you better be prepared to see me wherever the fuck you are. 

The damn factory they’d taken over comes into view but none of the unease I feel lessens, my heart beats rapidly and it feels like it’s in my throat. This isn’t smart, but if I were smart I would have made Tim stay, it wouldn’t have taken me finding out he was gone to bring me to my senses which fucking sucks because now even if I get through this there is no guarantee that Tim will and that scares me more than I think anything else had in a very long time. I breath in slow and deep and exhale the same trying to at least get myself somewhat under control. The only way we both get out is if I can control myself. 

Not for myself, but for Tim. 

Hold on Baby Bird. 

There’s at least fifty guys in the room when I open the doors. They’re all ready and waiting like I was meant to walk, as if it’s a trap, but I really don’t have time for fun right now especially not with Tim possibly hurt. 

“Look guys I don’t know what’s going on, but how about you tell me where Red Robin is and we’ll call it a day.” One of the fuckers cracks his knuckles like that’s going to intimidate me, I roll my eyes and pull out a new clip taking out my PG -13 one and putting it away. “Okay guys let's get this over with quickly?”

All too quickly I’ve made my way passed the first of the obstacles, lifeless bodies left behind me and my conscious kindly shut off, I make my way through the maze of halls. One dimly lit hall too many and I find myself in what must be the innermost part of the factory. I feel twitchy, my hands shake with anticipation for what’s to come but there’s enough of my sanity left to remind me exactly who I’m here for. The awful feeling in my stomach intensifies as I approach the last door in the hallway odd gagging sounds echo from the room beyond and I get the impression I’m not going to like what I see behind the door. I steel myself for a minute listening to the sound too transfixed on what has to happening and to who. 

I’m late. Runs through my head like a burning reminder of all the worst things I’ve ever done. This is my punishment, why it had to be him and not me I will never know. None of this is his fault in anyway and yet he is the one paying for my indesgrastions. Never have I hated myself more. 

Too long. Is the next scathing phrase that I’m met with, I’m taking too damn long standing here thinking about how unfair this all is. 

The door is no longer on it’s hinges now and I see it all. It’s so much worse seeing the actual thing, imagines of what was happening didn’t make it real enough because now I’m seeing it and I want it to stop. Tim shouldn’t ever look like that. He’s too stiff like he’s lifeless and he’s not even fighting back anymore, tears freely falling, retching sounds, choking and I lose it. Red dancing in my peripheral, I waste no time. My sense of reality is lost and when I’m done I don’t know exactly what happened. Looking over the two bodies I realize there’s one missing but that all get sidelined when my hearing comes back and Tim is sobbing. 

________________________________________________

“I did something bad.” Kori looks at me, there blood all over the island counter and I know she’s mad about it but right now she can’t really say anything. 

“And what’s that?” Roy asks. 

“I let him go.” Kori looks at me I know the questions she wants to ask but honestly I couldn’t tell her even if I tried. 

“What do you mean?” Roy is still the one asking questions. 

“I mean I was with him, I didn’t say what I should have and he left.” I pause, breathing to keep it together. “I let him leave.” 

“What happened Jason?” Kori is finally speaking but now I wish she hadn’t. I shake my head. 

“I don’t even want to think about it.” I look away cause it’s too hard to face.

“And what about him?” She asks and I shrug. “Jason, he’s gonna need you. You can’t just not be there for him.” My breathing is ragged and uneven. 

“How do I do that?” I look her in the eyes. 

“Do you-” She breathes out. “Do you like him? Do you care about him? Because if you don’t know ,you aren’t up for it, and you need to let someone else take care of him.” 

“No, he isn’t leaving me. Not again.” Just the idea that Tim would want to be away from me makes my heart clench up. I remember him asking for a kiss before the drugs set in and decide that if he wants to go back to the manor I’ll go with him. 

“Then you need to keep it together. Whatever happened it happened to him, and it may affect you but the most important person in this is him.” She sighs. “Of course it’s not going to be easy, but you have to trust that what he decides is what’s best for him. Just support him, be there, listen if you have to, and then be mad when you know he’s okay.” 

Kori seemed to always know what to do and so with her words still recycling through my mind I went to bed. Tim’s unconscious figure almost looked unnaturally still in the darkness that was broken by the lights filtering through the room from the passing of the city outside. It was times like these that I wished more than anything that my life wasn’t so fucked. Watching Tim’s chest rise and fall with each breath, rugged and abused, made all those fantasies of running away seem more appealing than they ever had before. 

In my dream that night I see Tim, but it’s for the first time, I imagine, and he’s standing there looking out over a different city, one not run to the ground by crime. There are no scars on his body, he’s not spent the last few years of his life fighting and training to be better. He’s still a fucking genius and makes me feel like an idiot, but it’s so much better because this time he did it for himself. There’s a brightness in his eyes when he looks at me. Easy, like it should have been, and we fall in love like in the movies. 

Waking up though I’m startled and afraid, the feeling of someone having slapped my arm making me aware of where I am and who I’m with. Tim looks like hell froze over, he’s pale, having lost a lot of blood, but not too much. He might need a transfusion, but that I can deal with easily. He looks pained, and that I cannot deal with easily. 

“Sorry.” I watch Tim’s face. 

“Don’t lay like that if it’s uncomfortable.” His voice is hoarse and scratchy.

“What was that for anyway?” For now let’s go for casual?

“I hate being drugged.” His words are almost slurred. 

“So-” He cuts me off.

“We kissed.” I stop, the memory of his lips on mine come back to me and I can finally enjoy the feeling. Bright warmth spreads through my chest lighting up all the broken hollow places. 

“Yeah, I um-” He cuts me off again and my heart feels like it’s falling out through my ass. 

“You were hoping I wouldn’t remember.” Tim looks pained again and I realize I started moving again without thinking. 

“No!” I yell before stopping where I am. “Tim, no, I went looking for you when you left. I found your belt on the roof about halfway to B’s patrol and knew something had to have happened. Didn’t take me long to find the shell for the bullet.” Only two hours. “God, I wish I hadn’t let you leave.” 

“Don’t. Don’t do that Jason, if we’re going to do this then you can’t blame yourself.” Is he saying what I think he is. 

“Do what-” Tim cuts in again with annoyed look. 

Tim and I talk for a while longer before I help him out of bed and into the bathroom. Despite the small freak out he had while we were kissing he seems alright, which is a relief. I make my way out into the kitchen and notice Kori took it upon herself to clean up our mess from last night and I feel a little guilty. I lose myself in cooking and before I know it Kori and Roy are both standing in their small ass dining area, and then Tim is walking in, a light pink flush to his skin. Can’t really blame him for wanting to be clean. 

Everything is light and fun as Kori realizes she knows Tim from class but then Roy enters the conversation. “Fuck off.” I hear Tim say and smile to myself about how abrasive he is. 

“What, you little sh-” Tim cuts him off too. 

“Your insecurity makes my head hurt.” I have to seriously try not to laugh at that. 

“Oh yeah well at least I’m not some needy sl-” I don’t let Roy finish that sentence and I can see the appalled look Kori is giving him. 

“Keep this up Roy and I swear you’ll goddamn regret it. Do not talk about last night like you know what happened, and if Tim ever seems uncomfortable around you I’ll beat the shit out of you.” Kori is giving me that you should apologize look. “No, I’m not apologizing for shit Kori and I’m serious, you keep him in check and if he so much as mentions last night again you better hope I don’t hear about it.” 

Tim kindly tells me to shut the fuck up and then his phone goes off Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch playing much too loudly from one of the speakers. “Did you ever call?” Tim asks and I realize that after I got him stable I talked with Kori and Roy and passed out without saying anything to the family. “Jason.” He sounds so disappointed in me and I never want to hear him say my name like that again. 

I can hear Dick yelling Tim’s name on the other side. Tim seems like he’s not exactly happy about having to talk to Dick right now, which I can understand, he’s trying hard to not let slip who is on the other side but really having seen Tim it’s not hard to find out who Batman and everyone else is. I silently try not to look guilty, honestly how was I supposed to keep Bruces secret with Tim sitting in front of Kori and Roy. It’s not like they won’t watch the news ever again and recognize Bruces, it doesn’t take a damn genius. Tim eyes meet mine for a moment as he’s talking to Dick, he says something about not knowing when Catwoman left, and then this awful look comes over him. 

Next thing I know he’s bolting from the room leaving his phone to fall to the floor Dick screaming his name. I calmly pick the phone up and follow after Tim, he’s in the bathroom dry heaving and the sound makes my heart hurt. He speaks to Dick for a little longer and then passes the phone to me. 

“Jason.” Dick’s voice holds so much hate. 

“Hey.” My voice doesn't sound quite right to me. 

“You take care of him, and whatever happened best not have been your fault.” My heart pulmets, Tim’s words from earlier repeat and the tightness lessens. We spend too much time in the bathroom after the phone call. He recounts everything to me, his thoughts, the feeling, and by the end I’m almost numb but I met his eyes in the mirror and remember what Kori said. Tim needs me, and I need him. I can put this behind me and be here for him until he’s okay, I can be who he needs me to be, and when it’s over I’m going to kill them. 

___________________________________________

Roy and I are watching Tv like we usually do at 5 o’clock on Saturday when Kori and Tim walk in. She’d been taking him to see Dick so the ass would leave us be, something about him not trusting me and how well I’m taking care of Tim. Either way they’d been having fun with these little things and I can’t say I hate them when Tim comes home smiling like that. God when did I start thinking of this place as home? When did Tim’s happiness become so essential to my own? 

“What’s in the bag?” Roy asks and Tim’s attention turns to us. 

“Nothing for you.” He throws back smoothly. 

“Is it something sexy for Jason?” He asks. These two had somehow gotten passed the ‘fuck you’ shit and come to this strange teasing place that usually left either me or Kori blushing like teenagers. 

“If I ever do dress up in anything sexy it wouldn’t be for Jason’s benefit, it would be for myself.” Tim laughs, “And no again, you aren’t very good at guessing games are you?” Roy looks Tim over. 

“I think you’d look good in stockings and a garter belt, personally. Also you aren’t funny. What’s in the bag?” Tim grins.

“I might have convinced someone to bring me one of my suits.” He puts the bag down on the table looking expectantly at me. 

“I don’t know what you were thinking was going to happen, but you are not going on patrol.” He frowns at me and I can feel my resolve slipping. 

“Come on.” Tim’s voice has that angry lift to it. “No offence but I fucking hate being so useless sitting here everyday. I get that you are into this lazy-make-someone-else-do-it thing but I’m not. It’s been two months Jason.” His voice is whiny at the end. 

“And waiting two more isn’t going to hurt anyone.” Tim rolls his eyes. 

“It’s a good thing Nightwing said I could go with him then.” Jealousy bubbles but in me.

“No.” Is all I reply with. 

“Too bad.” Tim comes back with, as he obviously walks toward the bathroom to change. 

“Timothy.” I drawl and he doesn’t even stop or look back. I don’t make it to the door in time to keep him from locking it and so I have to wait until he’s done for him to open it. When he does he’s already got his domino on and is clipping his belt on. He looks so fucking hot like that all done up and ready to fight crime. Suddenly I want to be the one he’s fighting, just to watch him move, but I also kinda want to fight next to him, have him press against my back and say some shit about strategy. That is so sexy. “Can we talk about this?” I ask remembering why I don’t want him going on patrol just yet. 

“What is there to talk about?” He asks finally looking at me. 

“It’s only been two months. I know you’re strong and can handle going out, that you aren’t hurt anymore physically but what about mentally? Emotionally? Tim this could be too much for you.” He walks up to me, and it’s hard to truly make out his expression. “I don’t want you to get hurt again.” 

“You have been so good to me this whole time, and I appreciate that. You haven’t pushed me for anything, but maybe I want you to push sometimes. Was what happened scary? Yes; and maybe I still need a little time before I’ll be back to 100%, but Jason I want to do this. Let me do this?” I can hear how desperately he wants this, how sad and restless he must have been feeling having been kept locked up while he was healing. 

“If you can’t handle anything just tell me okay?” He’s smiling again and I realize that this wasn’t even a fight I just put up a front to make it seem like I had some self restraint. “And you aren’t going with Dick, just give me a second to get ready okay?” Tim’s lips capture mine in a needy kiss. 

“Yes, yes. Jason, thank you.” He mumbles between kisses and I groan. 

I waste not time making sure I have enough clips both real bullets and the plastic ones I use when I’m feeling nice. Tim is standing in the living room talking to Kori and Roy when I walk out, I can feel his eyes look me over but don’t mention it. “Ready to go?” I ask and Tim bounces in place as he says ‘yes’. He’s so damn cute. 

We’re about a mile away from the house when he motions that he wants to stop for a moment. He’s panting a little when I walk up to him but I guess I should expect that, two months without much working out means he’s going to need a while to get used to using all those muscles again. He waves at me like he’s going to say something so I wait for him to catch his breath. Standing straight again he starts to stretch a little. 

“Forgot how much it burns.” His voice is rough. 

“Yeah? You doing okay.” He shrugs. 

“I also forgot how good you look like that.” I can feel the blush and even though Tim can’t see it the look in his eyes says he knows it’s there too. 

“What about you?” I look him over and see the way he shivers. “That suit is seriously tight, how do you get into it?” He laughs and my heart sores. 

“Come on, Hood, how’d you get into your suit?” He tilts his head at me, I shake my head. 

“Zipper or no zipper that is skin tight.” I put my hands on my hips, cocking my hip at the same time and love the way Tim’s eyes follow the movement. “You gotta lude up or something?” There’s an amuse glint in his eyes when he answers. 

“Or something.” His face goes blank for a second. “Oracle?” He asks, and then stands there probably listening to someone talk. “No I’m out with Red Hood.” I can’t tell how he feels right now which makes me worry. He rolls his eyes at something they said. “Tell Grey to suck it up, if he really wants company Robin’s free tonight.” He’s still listening to someone else talk. “Okay, I’m tired of being yelled at now.” He looks at me. “You can do that comm hack thing right?” I blink.

“Yeah?” 

“Okay do it.” Tim steps closer to me. 

“Um, yeah sure, give me a sec.” I pull my helmet off because it’s easier to do almost anything without it on and pull out the weird device Roy whipped up for me. Tim watches me and I can see it in the way he winces that it’s working, must be the static. “Good?” I ask.

“Yeah I think so, but you’ll need to say something over the comms for me to know.” I nod and realize Tim had been staring at me before. With my helmet back on I turn to leave and try to comms. 

“You’re staring.” I imagine with way Tim must be gaping at me. 

“Yeah well it’s kind of hard not to.” I hear a grapple shot out close to me and watch my back as best I can while moving forward making sure Tim is still there. My chest is tight with insecurity, and fear that one wrong turn and he’ll be gone again. 

“Hey can you stay in front of me?” I ask through the comms. 

“Yeah? Everything good?” He asks back. 

“Just a little jumpy, I guess, still not over losing you.” Tim stops on a rooftop ahead of me and I come to stand a few feet away. 

“Jason, we can go back if you want to.” He says. 

“No you wanted to come out, and hell I want to be out with you, I just don’t like not being able to see you.” He nods. 

“Why don’t we stay together? I’ll be right beside you.” Tim steps up to me. 

“You don’t have to, go do-”

“I want to.” He sighs and runs a gloved hand through his hair messing the long strands up a little more and damn is he gorgeous. “Look, I know we don’t talk about what happened but I also know it freaked you out as much as it did me. You’re allowed to not be okay too. You had to see it and that couldn’t have been something you ever wanted to witness. You’re allowed to worry and not be okay.” He takes my hand for a moment and leans into me slightly and I feel like a weight has been taken off my shoulders. 

“I don’t ever want that to happen again. To not know where you are and then find out some asshole has you, even if they aren’t doing exactly that same thing just knowing someone might have taken you and could be hurting you makes me so damn mad. You don’t deserve it.” He hums in agreement. 

“You’re right, but neither does anyone else, which I why I’m out here. So no one else has to go through any of that.” I put an arm around him and pull him close. 

“And that’s why you’re a good guy.” He pulls away a little but stays mostly where I had him. 

“So are you.” His hand comes up and unlatches my helmet, and I let him, the hiss sounds and Tim slowly takes it off of me. “You’re a good guy too Jason, and all the bad things that happened to you aren’t your fault, not matter what anyone told you.” He holds my face with his empty hand, and then kisses me, but it’s not like the other kisses we’ve shared in the last two months, it’s more like the one we had on that night. A reassuring kiss that promises more. 

“I want to be good again.” I say once Tim pulls away again. 

“Then be good again.”


	4. I'm so sorry, I would kill me too If I were you please forgive me.

I’ve been in a bad place for the last few months. A place I never really wanted to be again but that I’ve found myself in. Let me explain: 

It started when I had a huge mental break down in the summer of 2016, I hadn’t felt like I belonged in my body in years. I was ten when I hit puberty and it was this big coming of age milestone my mom had to share with every other “woman” out there because her “daughter” was now a “lady”. I wanted to die, actually I thought I was when I saw that I freaked. Before that I hadn’t ever considered what it meant to be born a female. For one I didn’t know what a period was until the day I got it at daycare, and when I came home to find blood soaking my underwear I thought something horrible had happened until my mother kindly explained to me what the hell that was. Now by this point I had what were these fleshy mounts slowly but surely growing on my chest which was okay, I guess. I mean I was the only one with them and at that point they didn’t really get in the way but I could live with them. I also had this god awful haircut and wore baggy clothes hoping no one would look at me. 

So of course you’re going to be uncomfortable the first few years, but this discomfort never stopped. 

I had my first boyfriend in the summer of 2011, and I did everything I thought a girl was supposed to do. I talked sexy, told him I liked this or that, I tried everything to feel girly, and it just made me more uncomfortable. So I’d start fights with him because I thought it was his fault I didn’t feel right, all the while not allowing myself to think of the possibilities. Now I wouldn’t ever know if little Cole ran around talking about wanting to be a boy or whatever,because my parents would have shut that down immediately. But this also wasn’t the first time I’d questioned it and myself but I fought that down and decided that I couldn’t be (my mom had told me once there was ONE in every family, so stupid me believe there could be only one, or maybe more scared me did). 

Fast forward a few years and even though I don’t notice it it’s there. I make up stories for myself before I go to sleep and in those stories I flatten my chest, but leave the boobs, girls have boobs. I make myself taller, thought I no longer feel so bad about my height. But overall I’m more masculine. 

And tell myself again but that impossible I can’t be. 

Okay so now in my freshmen year of high school I’m into One direction, which I do still love, and I’m reading fanfiction for the first time, I know crazy, but I am, and it’s straight. I read it, a lot of it, and then I get into anime. My anime obsession starts with Ouran Highschool Host club, then I move to Soul Eater, and finally Death Note. Now let’s look at two strikingly similar characters from Ouran and Soul Eater, Haruhi and Maka. Haruhi is a girl who wears a boys uniform, and passes as a male student. Maka, though very feminine, has no chest to speak of. 

Now we’re closer to the anime that tipped it for me, which is Attack on Titan, with two characters in general. Eren and Levi. Say what you will I don’t give a shit, I love the pairing, I do multiship but of all those ships the one I come back to the most is this one, because for whatever reason I connect with it. It’s because of this ship that I start reading gay fanfiction, and latter gay manga all together. And one day I noticed something terrifying, straight sex had never done it for me in the way gay sex did. Before you say well you were just reading it, I was watching too and the difference was asstounding. I wasn’t uncomfortable in the same way, yes I was uncomfortable because this wasn’t something I was ready for. To be a gay man would be to turn my back on a lot of my family, which was still something I wasn’t okay with at the time. 

Either way I had a break down and I was freaking out, because this was it. All of the year with my friends who shared this whole other world with me, one that didn’t fit into the narrative my parents had set for it had expanded my opinions and opened me up to this. That I’m a fucking gay guy and that’s just life. But I was scared, so I reached out to friends and people I felt I could trust with this. People I’d known for years, two of them were really supportive and there for me which I’d known they were going to be, and then there way my cousin. She's mormon, and I have a mormon friend who accepts me for me, but my cousin is different. She sent me a video about the joys and wonders of being a woman that told I was beautiful, which thank you yes I am, but I’m not a woman, and she texted my mom that night. The same night I realized that my life as I knew it was over, and that I would have a whole new list of obstacles to overcome, my cousin texted my mother, and so the next my mother was worried and wanted to know. Before I could even completely come to terms with everything myself I had to tell my mother. 

She put me in therapy that I probably should have been in sooner, and then decided that eventually I would be better and fixed. 

I wasn’t, yes I worked through things that I had held close as secrets and shared them at the request of my therapist which I now wish I hadn’t because my mom can’t keep her mouth shut, but it’s whatever, but then the day came and went that I told my therapist that I am certain I am trans, and that I’m gay. A few months went by and then she told me she didn’t believe me. 

That’s where I am now. 

I believe it, because I know, I live in my own head and this is what I’m telling you. My name is Cole and I’m a gay man, that’s all you need to know. 

Needless to say I don’t see her anymore. Though I should be seeing someone else. 

I came out around November last year and it was really stressful, still is. My family doesn’t use my name, and so even I get mixed up and don’t answer to my name like I should because I’m not used to other people using it. I wish I was. 

I don’t hate my dead name, it isn’t me, and it also bring me back the moment when my therapist said she didn’t believe me. And I question myself again, even though it feels right, even though everything in me says yes, her words and their voices say no. 

This is why I haven’t been posting, my depression has taken my motivation away from me. I know where I want the fics to go and some of how they get there but I can’t bring myself to write it. I want to, to continue and to see them to an end for you, I just can’t bring myself to yet, and I hop you wait for it. I want you to look forward to it like I do. 

 

-Cole

 

Some news:

Jaytim:  
Reputation will be getting a rewrite again. I personally I don’t like where it’s at now. It’s not what I wanted and I’ll be working on that. 

Attack on Titan:  
Back against the wall: where do I start? I love this fic. I like the premise and where it’s at. I might do some tweaking but it’s good. 

Worth the Wait will also have some rewriting I don’t like the pace and want to slow it down a bit. Also might wait on this one just to see where the manga is going because it will follow with mange events.


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